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8 hours ago
2
I am a complete sucker for a chocolate biscuit, one of the most exciting things about a 1980s childhood. Before structured playdates, Roblox and MrBeast videos, our thrills came in a biscuit tin full of Penguins, Clubs and Breakaways. The more chocolatey the chocolate, the better. Bliss.
In recent years, the rise of the posh, extra-chocolatey biscuit has delighted me. An ideal fancy biscuit should feel heavy in the hand, need a good bite to break through the chocolatey shell, it should withstand at least three good dunks in tea, and it should come in a packet with at least one breathlessly outlandish claim along the lines of “most chocolatey yet” or “thickest coating ever”. You should feel instantly joyful when you’re eating the first one. After the third, ideally, you should feel a bit sick.
Best bargain
Sainsbury’s milk, dark and white chocolate biscuits
£5.75 for 400g at Sainsbury’s
★★★★★
High-quality, special-treat biscuits at a bargain price. There are foil-wrapped ones, orange creams and even a dark and milk chocolate “round”, too. Decant them into a fancier tin, then hide the packaging.
Best all-rounder
M&S Outrageously Chocolatey milk chocolate rounds
£3 for 200g at Ocado
★★★★★
An absolute belter of a biscuit, and the winner of the “rounds” war. The packaging goes big on claims: “More chocolate than biscuit,” it shouts. More than 70% chocolate. Eating these is essentially self-care.
Best splurge
Fortnum & Mason Chocolossus
£21.95 for 600g at Fortnum & Mason
★★★★★
Ridiculously good dark choc and macadamia biscuits; unique, weighty, luxurious, addictive. After this, all other chocolate biscuits feel dowdy. Sadly, the price means that only Elton John or Queen Noor of Jordan can afford to eat them on a regular basis. Gift them to everyone you love.
And the rest …
Fox’s Chocolatey milk chocolate rounds
£2.25 for 130g at Tesco
£1 for 130g at Asda
★★☆☆☆
The Fox’s option has very weak artillery in the chocolate “rounds” wars. Thin chocolate, nondescript shortbread and not much crunch. These are not worth the calories. Not a special-occasion biscuit, but acceptable for watching Tipping Point.
McVitie’s Victoria chocolate creations
£5 for 340g at Asda
£6.75 for 340g at Ocado
★★☆☆☆
Packaged, rather excitingly, like 1980s Milk Tray, this assortment of milk, white and dark chocolate biscuits has a map built in so you can tell the “dark diamond” from your “masterpiece”. Feels like a real treat. Sadly, that’s where the fun stops, because these are unlovable biscuits with thin coatings, each one tasting oddly similar to the last.
Cadbury Time Out Roundie
£1.95 for 150g at Asda
£2.40 for 150g at Amazon
★☆☆☆☆
This is simply a Time Out bar in a circular shape: wafer centre, thin chocolate, no extra surprises or finesse. Oddly unappetising and, in the centre, a little dry. A child would delight at unwrapping the foil, but a true chocolate biscuit lover would feel very short-changed.
Aldi’s Belmont Extremely Chocolatey biscuits
£3.99 for 400g at Aldi
★★★★☆
This is the Aldi dupe of the Sainsbury’s box, but without the classier dark and white choc ones. Almost the same selection, with a slightly different font. Brilliant value.
Waitrose Generously Coated milk chocolate shortcake
£2.55 for 180g at Waitrose
★★★★☆ and a half
Sheer joy, decadently coated, impossible to stop at one. The shortcake is crunchy and buttery, too. A real treat.
Morrisons The Best quadruple chocolate cookies
£2.25 for 200g at Morrisons
£2.15 for 200g at Amazon
★★☆☆☆
A lacklustre choc chip cookie dipped in low-quality chocolate. I felt sadder, not happier, after eating this. Don’t do it.
Tesco Extremely Chocolatey biscuit selection
£5 for 400g at Tesco
★★★☆☆
A copy of the Aldi and Sainsbury’s ones, but with a more prominent “EXTREMELY CHOCOLATEY” on the box, which, seeing as I am highly suggestible, makes them feel more prestigious.
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