As an agony aunt, I know the biggest cause of unhappiness: other people. Here’s the secret to better relationships

From my many years as a therapist and advice columnist, I’ve started to see clear patterns in the problems that bother my readers the most. And I can confirm that Sartre was right: hell is other people. It’s difficult relationships with those around us that cause the most anguish. It’s such a common theme that I’ve given a lecture on the subject: Why are other people so awful? To help you into the new year, here’s my advice on this most commonly experienced problem.

Struggles in connecting to others – or, more specifically, the tension between wanting connection and feeling disconnected – can manifest in many ways. As well as difficulties in existing relationships, such struggles can also make you feel lonely or alienated.

This sense of not belonging can undermine your wellbeing whether at work, home or even when doing pickup at the school gates.

Many of us are anxious about how others perceive us, fearing rejection, which prevents us from forming meaningful connections. We often struggle with our self-worth and identity, feeling either unworthy or insecure in comparison to others, or – which is just as isolating – feeling superior to them. This leads to communication problems, which is another huge barrier to forming fruitful and honest relationships at work and home.

Alongside these often practical, interpersonal struggles, there’s also the more existential longing for deeper meaning in our lives – a desire to understand our place in the world and find purpose.

At the core, these issues touch on our innate need for connection, not only with others, but also with ourselves, and with that a broader sense of meaning in life.

So how do we achieve this? Well, for some, getting on with others just comes naturally. They just know when to smile, when to nod, how to be interested and how to lie to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. They can naturally read people in professional settings and in their social circle. The rest of us just have to learn them. Those who have these skills – often called “people skills” or “soft skills” – may mistakenly assume that those of us without them are being deliberately offensive. Recognising where your innate ability lies is important. To do this you have to be able to accept all aspects of yourself, even the uncomfortable or imperfect parts, like jealousy or our capacity to hate. When we stop suppressing these complexities and embrace ourselves, we become more open to genuine connection with others. We can relate to those around us without the need to hide, compete or project insecurities.

By recognising these traits and accepting our strengths and weaknesses, we begin to relate to others with greater authenticity. It’s about being true to who we are, rather than presenting only what we think we should be.

Projection is another big obstacle to connection. When we haven’t acknowledged parts of ourselves, we tend to project these unresolved traits on to others. For instance, if we feel judged by others, it might reflect our own tendency to judge those around us. If you feel uncomfortable with other parents at the school gate, consider if your initial thoughts that they’re judging you are true, or whether you have feelings of inadequacy about your parenting skills, or lack confidence in these brief but fraught social interactions.

There is also the danger of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go to a gathering and you think as you enter the space, “Nobody likes me, no one wants to talk to me,” how would that show in your body language? What vibes would you be giving off? You’d probably stay on the edges, avoid eye contact. Now suppose instead you think, “Everyone is interesting and attractive and pleased to see me and I want to talk to them about what I’m thinking, and I want to find out what they are thinking about,” how would that show in your body language, eye contact and the vibe you give off? It will make you more approachable.

You must also be kind to yourself: you are not alone in your fears and desires to feel a greater sense of belonging. Our struggles are part of the universal human condition. This is why I often recommend group therapy. It offers a space where shared struggles create a sense of connection. But where we dare to be vulnerable and authentic in any group or relationship, we have a better chance of forming true connection. And it’s important to balance our intellectual independence with recognising what is universal about the human experience.

Often, we believe the solution to our problems lies outside ourselves, believing that if we leave the job, the relationship, everything will be fine. Of course, that can sometimes be true and it’s important to be alert to situations which are truly damaging. But the path towards feeling more connected to others usually starts from within. We must examine how we talk to ourselves, uncover the covert beliefs we live by, and confront the darker aspects of our psyche. One of the most disconnecting forces is our expectations of how others should be – but learning to accept people and things we cannot change can help us become more sanguine.

For me, it helps to bring to mind the old story of the wise woman. A traveller once asked a wise woman how he would like the people in the new place he was travelling to be.

“What were they like where you’ve come from?” the wise woman replied.

“Oh, they were wonderful,” said the traveller.

“Then you’ll find them wonderful in the new place, too,” the wise woman responded.

By acknowledging our shared humanity, and confronting our projections, we can form more genuine connections. Other people can be frightening, frustrating and downright annoying, but remember we’re all in the same boat and, hopefully, that journey will become more plain sailing. And, if someone ever really gets to you – you can always write to me for some more advice!