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13 hours ago
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‘Why are you still single?” Over the past 15 years, I’ve fielded many variations of this question. I’m in my mid-30s and I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 21. Even after a decade and a half, this question feels as if I’m being asked: “What’s wrong with you? Are you sure you’re trying hard enough?”
But being “single” isn’t quite the full story: I’ve been going on dates the entire time, observing the many seismic shifts in dating culture. Here are 15 things I’ve learned from 15 years of singlehood.
Embrace the journey
Rather than feel as if I’m lacking in some way, that I’ve “left it too late”, or missed the boat entirely, I look at this era of being single with the knowledge that it’s played a pivotal role in shaping the person I am today. I have learned many lessons along the way, some of them hard-won as a result of heartbreak, others born out of deep late-night conversations with friends. Crucially, many pearls of wisdom have slowly revealed themselves over time – and I wouldn’t have got to this point without having gone on my own personal journey.
Hold out for more
I’m “still” single because I haven’t yet found what I deserve. I am looking for someone who is emotionally available, who can meet my needs and whose needs I can meet, too. I want romance, friendship, shared private jokes, contagious laughter. I want a co-conspirator, someone to share secrets with, someone who knows (and loves) my flaws, someone who wants me to succeed, someone whose success I will rejoice in, whose wins I regard as my own. I don’t think what I’m looking for is unattainable, unrealistic or delusional. My brother and his wife are one such example – when we’re in our family home together, I can hear their laughter through the walls separating our bedrooms. My parents have been happily married for 40 years – they are each other’s best friends. I want what they have and I won’t settle for any less.
Self-worth is your best friend
“What if he doesn’t like me?” I asked my mum over the phone as I got ready for a date. “Who cares?” she replied. “What about: do you like them? Are they right for you? Are they good enough?” It was the talking-to I needed. I had been so focused on wanting to be liked, so worried about the idea of being rejected, I hadn’t considered that my feelings also matter when seeking connection. These words have stuck with me, prompting me to think of my worth and to act in accordance with it. If I don’t find the kind of love that I’d like to have, I’ve made peace with that. I won’t feel incomplete. I have a great life as it is – romantic partnership is not an essential.
You can please yourself
The pop culture I grew up with in the 00s made me think that being a single woman in her mid-30s who lives alone would be an embarrassing, spinster-like state. But the reality is delicious. When I went home to my parents’ house for Christmas, I was reminded of just how accustomed I am to living life on my own terms. As my father put on the umpteenth rerun of Midsomer Murders followed by Inspector Morse, I realised how much I love being in control of the TV remote. Living in flatshares in London in my 20s gave me an appreciation for my own space that I won’t forget in a hurry. I can sleep like a starfish in my bed (without the sound of someone snoring next to me), take long baths in the middle of the day, and if I don’t feel like doing the dishes I can leave them until the morning (don’t judge me). Perhaps one day I’ll have to learn to share the remote, but for now I’m going to relish pleasing myself.
You deserve to be loved just as you are
I used to equate thinness with being worthy of love. If someone dumped me, the inner critic in my head would pipe up and say: “You should lose weight.” I listened to that voice for years, denying myself the foods I loved, living a life of restraint in the name of unrealistic beauty standards. But when I hit my mid-30s, I decided to call time on self-loathing. I now believe that the right person will love me for who I am. Capitalism and diet culture bombard us with messages telling us to “optimise” our looks and defy the natural process of ageing. Choosing to accept, embrace and love your appearance just as you are is a radical act of resistance.
Look at past versions of yourself with compassion
I have looked back on past dating experiences with judgment more times than I care to remember. I’ve blushed while recalling how I behaved when I sensed that a breakup was coming. A therapist helped me sift through the complicated feelings I had about my past self and encouraged me to look at “old Rachel” with compassion and kindness. I was figuring things out, doing the best I could with the resources available to me at the time. Instead of reproaching your former self for acting in a way you now disapprove of, celebrate how far you’ve come and the healing that has happened since.
Don’t hurt your own feelings
Dating is not an A-level English literature exam; you don’t need to analyse anyone’s text messages as if they are metaphor-laden, sparkling prose. Yet over the years I’ve pored over texts sent to me by people I’ve dated. “What does it mean?” I’ve asked friends as I show them screenshots of the most two-dimensional, innocuous texts. I now stop myself when I feel the urge to delve into the subtext. There is no symbolism in a message that’s trying to let you down gently. Take it at face value and save your literary interpretations for another day.
Step outside your comfort zone
Needing a break from endless swiping on apps, I spotted an ad for life drawing classes for young singles and decided to give it a whirl. I was a bundle of nerves in the run-up, but when I got there I could tell that everyone else was feeling just as vulnerable and exposed. Like speed dating, we moved around the room, talking, flirting, drawing and getting to know each other. My artistic prowess left a lot to be desired, but afterwards I felt as if my faith in dating had been restored. Stepping outside your comfort zone can be an effective tonic for the inevitable dating fatigue.
Don’t regard failed relationships as a waste of time
“No time wasters!” is a phrase that I often see in people’s dating app profiles. We often regard our dating efforts in terms of investment, labour, profit and loss because of the effects of living in a capitalist society. When our labour of love doesn’t show a return quickly – perhaps it’s a slow-burn romance – we tend to cut our losses and cease investing any more of our valuable time. But these experiences aren’t wasted; they can be formative.
Believe in the good of people
It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of negative thinking when you’re dating. I’ve had more than my fair share of dating disasters, some of which have made me close myself off. I have stifled sobs in public places, brushed away tears on the tube and felt weary to the depths of my soul. But, despite it all, I continue to believe in the good of people. I refuse to be defeated. I will not let the bad behaviour of a few rogue individuals cloud my judgment. It takes work to remain hopeful, but I know that there are other people out there just like me, who are looking for love despite feeling drained and disillusioned at times. Assume good intentions until proved otherwise.
Unlimited alone time brings great freedom and opportunity
I was hosting a party at my flat recently when we ran out of booze. “Don’t worry, I’ll do a beer run,” a friend said. I protested, but they insisted. “You don’t get it,” they said. “I have a newborn. Going for a 10-minute walk to the shop is precious alone time.” In that moment, I realised how much I’d taken for granted. I’d never considered that something as simple as running an errand or going to the shops alone could feel like a treat. I vowed to never again take for granted the precious commodity that is unlimited alone time.
Know when it’s time to walk away
I was sitting in my living room nursing a cup of tea when a feeling came over me: end this relationship now. Lying in bed in the next room was the man I’d been seeing for the past few weeks. The vibes had been immaculate at the beginning, but they had taken an irredeemably bad turn the night before. I knew I needed to listen to the signals my nervous system was sending me: it’s time to walk away. Prior to this, I had told my therapist about a similarly visceral reaction to someone I dated. I would feel so anxious in his presence that I’d throw up after seeing him. She was stunned. “Your body is sending you an incredibly strong message,” she said. I have since learned to tune into the gut reactions that tell us when a person isn’t good for us; they are an intervention from within.
Define your own worth
During a talk I was giving to students in years 11, 12 and 13 on the importance of self-esteem in healthy relationships, I read the following quote by Dita Von Teese: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” “I’m a ripe and juicy peach!” I announced to the room. “I remind myself of this every single time I face rejection.” I probably seemed like a cringe millennial to this group of gen Z-ers. But the message I wanted to convey was that just because someone can’t see how great you are, that doesn’t make you any less spectacular. Later that day, one of the students contacted me, telling me the quote really hit home. She had realised that her situationship was making her feel unappreciated and worthless, so she had decided to end things. “I’m a juicy peach, too!” she wrote. We all are.
Hope is a powerful force
It takes strength to go through painful experiences in life and emerge with an unbroken spirit. Last summer, I got stood up. It felt terrible at the time, but I came to realise that this rejection had liberated me from a situation that would have hurt me more had it continued any longer. Once I’d moved through the various stages of woe-is-me-ness, I told myself I couldn’t let the actions of one rogue individual break my spirit. I had to hold on to hope that one day, love will find me.
Surround yourself with people who lift you up
My girlfriends are the loves of my life. Whether it’s showing up at my door with coffee on the day of my book deadline or picking me up from my egg retrieval when I was freezing my eggs, my life is the richer for having the most supportive and uplifting friends. They are there to pour me another glass of wine in moments of heartache, they affirm my life choices and celebrate my successes. They’re on my side and they show up for me in the moments I need them the most. I never feel the absence of romantic love because my platonic relationships are full of romance, support and richness.
The Love Fix by Rachel Thompson is published by Square Peg (£18.99) on 30 January. To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com.
