‘I’d be tempted to have sex to Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)’: David Baddiel’s honest playlist

The first song I fell in love with
Total Control by 80s new wave band the Motels, although now the lyrics seem a bit stalkery: “I’d sell my soul for total control over you.” But it’s sung by a woman in a very vulnerable way. In my teens, I was obsessed with women who wouldn’t go near me. Every time I heard it, I thought: if I just sold my soul, maybe I could have some control.

The first single I bought
In the late 70s, when I should have bought something by the Clash, I bought Devil Woman by Cliff Richard. It’s still a banger, if a little strange for a Christian to sing about a satanic woman he’s obsessed with.

The song I do at karaoke
Karaoke lists invariably include Three Lions. I was at a party and people said: “Come and sing this.” I said: “Absolutely not.” Then Graham Coxon of Blur and Stephen Merchant got up and did Parklife. At which point I thought “I shouldn’t be such a twat” and did Three Lions.

The song I inexplicably know every lyric to
American Pie by Don McLean tells a weird history lesson about American music. When my son was 13, we were on holiday; I put it on, and for some reason he knew a lot of the lyrics, so we sung it together. It was a really joyful moment.

The song I can no longer listen to
When I was little, I really liked Long Haired Lover from Liverpool by Jimmy Osmond. But now it seems so twee and so weird. What does he mean: long-haired lover from Liverpool? He’s only about 12 years old.

The best song to have sex to
What sort of twat puts on a song to have sex to? I don’t. If I did, Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) by Benny Hill would be tempting. If I wanted it to be genuinely erotic, Lady Grinning Soul by David Bowie is weirdly beautiful.

The song that gets me up in the morning
I sleep badly, so I hate anything that rouses me from my fragile sleep. No Surprises by Radiohead for the lyrics “No alarms and no surprises” would allow me to gently rouse because the person I most hate is the inventor of the alarm clock.

The song that makes me cry
Beauty Fades Away by Caitlin Cary for the lyrics “Please don’t disappear / We’ll catch the daylight in a box / If day can keep you here.” I’m at an age where anything about time passing and mortality sets me off.

The song I would like played at my funeral
My daughter Dolly singing Your Song by Elton John when she was 11. I was filming and the filming is pathetic because you can tell I’m just wobbling with tears. I want everyone to cry at my funeral, including my daughter.

David Baddiel’s The Parent Agency: A New Family Musical premieres at Storyhouse, Chester, 15 February to 2 March.