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4 hours ago
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As I sat on the sofa with my sister, my gorgeous and affectionate new cat ambled between us, purring. That’s when I finally had a meltdown. Weeks of anxiety had come to a head and, exhausted, I told her I was considering whether I should give my new housemate back.
Leo wasn’t the problem. With just three legs but a huge heart, he was the ideal pet for me. He was a little nervous, often hiding under the bed, but he was incredibly sweet-natured. This had not been a rash decision either. I had spent a long time thinking through all the ramifications and responsibilities of owning a pet, and felt well prepared.
So why was I feeling so hideously anxious?
Rachel Meier, from Canterbury, had a similar experience when she got her two cats and found herself “terrified”. “It was exhausting. I don’t think I realised until they were a bit older how tiring and stressful it had been,” she says.
Willow Gelphman, who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, also struggled when she brought home her cat, Mew. “She would cry constantly and run laps around the apartment until she was panting,” she recalls. “This is normal, of course, for new cats, but my anxious brain was convinced that I was doing something wrong, that she hated me (even though she was still affectionate) and that my life would be forever constrained by her needs.”
I spent the first few weeks of cat ownership in tears almost every day, dreading Leo’s little squeaks every time I left the house. Why did I feel as if there was a huge weight pressing down on my chest? Why was I obsessed with the idea I was a terrible owner, not giving this beautiful little creature the love he deserved?
Alice Snape, from London, describes bringing her pet, a nervous rescue dog called Lucy, home as “one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life”.
“I kept thinking, no, no, no, I don’t think I can do this. At home, I was overly aware of every single thing she did. I couldn’t relax. We were both so wary of each other. Sudden sounds or movements would startle her. And she wouldn’t even sleep on the bed we’d bought for her.”
At times, her feelings were “so intense and overwhelming that I couldn’t see any way out. I imagined having to live this way for ever, with a creature I couldn’t understand.”
I couldn’t understand why I was floundering after taking on Leo – I had been through some intensely difficult experiences without feeling this way. But, it turns out there are several reasons that the arrival of a pet might provoke feelings of anxiety. “A new pet means new responsibility,” says Heidi Soholt, a therapist and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “They will be dependent on you for food, medical care, cleanliness and safety. It is natural that this would trigger some anxiety, however longed-for the pet may be. Anxiety is often linked to a fear of not being able to cope and making mistakes that you may go on to regret.”
“Human brains like to feel in control,” she adds. “This stems from ancient times when humans lived in circumstances where they needed to defend themselves from dangers such as animals who preyed on them. The reptilian, ancient part of our brains hasn’t really caught up with evolution, and will often sound an alarm when we contemplate entering new territory, such as becoming a pet owner.”
Just knowing that could take a weight off your mind. “Remember that anxiety shows you care, that you are taking this decision responsibly,” Soholt advises. “Remind yourself your anxiety is showing up because you are going through a change, not because you have made a mistake. Think about other times in your life when you have gone through changes – anxiety tends to settle once we get used to new circumstances.”
This is especially the case with dogs: “The ‘puppy blues’ is a well-known phenomenon that can set in after your dog joins your home. Try to remember that this doesn’t mean you are in any way a ‘bad’ owner, that it is temporary, and that your dog and family will settle in together given time. Hold on to the positives of having your pet, and the reasons you wanted them in the first place. Allow space and tolerance for mistakes – it’s a learning curve. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or your pet.”
This is the advice I wish I’d had. Finally opening up to my sister that day on the sofa was a turning point. I stopped feeling embarrassed or afraid someone would accuse me of being a terrible owner, and was able to be truthful when friends asked how I was getting on. A few weeks of honesty, as Leo and I got to know each other, and things began to improve.
Meier also found that with time things got better: “I think it’s easy for people to focus on the cute fluffy thing and forget about the hard bits, so being able to talk about it is really important. So many people suggest that pets help with mental health issues, and they really do, but they can also add to pre-existing anxieties and worries. Being aware of that can really help.”
Now Leo and I are inseparable. Those horrible feelings are long gone, and nothing relaxes me quite like a cuddle with him. I’m so grateful I pushed through those tricky first months, and I can’t imagine life without him. And this is the case with all the other pet owners I spoke to.
“There will come a point where you fall madly in love with your dog,” says Snape. “It might take time, but it will happen. You need patience with yourself and with them. Try and look at the world through their eyes, too. Don’t just expect them to slot into your life. You need to get to know them, learn their personality, their quirks, what they like and they don’t.
“Now I can’t imagine my life without Lucy. She jumps in bed in the morning for a cuddle and I can’t believe how much I love her smell. And I am always up early. I have a cup of coffee and then head out for a walk and it’s my favourite part of the day – just me and Lucy on an adventure.”
