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It’s safe to say Pope Francis is not a fan of gossip. Just before Christmas, in one of his final public appearances of 2024, he declared it “an evil that destroys social life, sickens people’s hearts and leads to nothing … gossip is zero”. Beyond the Vatican, however, gossip’s bad reputation is being reassessed. Last year a study in the US found that gossip evolved to help social groups function, by spreading useful information about individual members and encouraging cooperation. Researchers also found that people spend approximately an hour every day gossiping – and that “almost everyone” does it.
Far from it being the preserve of “small minds”, as the (annoying) adage goes, it seems that gossip is a natural social behaviour, with potential benefits. There are, however, good and bad ways of going about it. We asked experts about how to gossip smarter.
Should you try to gossip less – or abstain altogether?
“I don’t think it’s possible to stop people from gossiping,” says Frank McAndrew, a professor of psychology at Knox College, Illinois. “It’s a part of who we are, like eating or breathing. I can’t tell you how many times people will say to me, ‘I don’t gossip’,” he says, explaining that many think of it as “something other people do” while they are merely “expressing concern” or sharing important information.
In truth, much gossip is either inconsequential “or actually does some good”. McAndrew suggests that gossip is best understood not as a character flaw, or a bad habit you should be striving to kick, but as a social skill. “It’s not whether you do it or not – it’s whether you do it well, or not.”
What distinguishes a good gossip from a bad one?
“Good gossipers are usually pretty popular,” says McAndrew. Their intel on others makes them desirable company, but they also exercise good judgment in portioning it out. That is how they are able to be so in-the-know, he continues: “They have a reputation for being discreet; they don’t use it in a reckless, nasty sort of way.”
Less effective gossipers are either careless, sharing “everything that they know, to anyone who will listen” with no mind to their audience, or the potential risks and consequences – or are obviously self-serving, “talking badly about other people so that they can get ahead”, says McAndrew.
Though gossip is usually negative, it doesn’t have to be. Maria Kakarika, an associate professor at Durham University Business School, recommends practising “positive gossip” – either complimenting people behind their backs or recounting their good deeds.
Not only does this counter the negativity bias of much back-channel communication (which can make situations seem worse than they are), it reflects well on the gossiper. “You’re perceived in the minds of others as someone positive,” says Kakarika.
This is particularly important in the workplace. A study Kakarika conducted last year found that office gossips were generally viewed negatively, and their behaviour can effect their career progression.
An exception was “when the purpose of gossip is to benefit the group”, she says – for example, sounding the alarm on workplace wrongdoers or free-riders.
Should you ever act on gossip?
For organisations, gossip can contain useful data and even raise awareness of looming issues or risks.
Kathryn Waddington, an emerita fellow in psychology at the University of Westminster and author of Gossip, Organization and Work: A Research Overview, quotes a Native American proverb: “Listen to the whispers and you won’t have to hear the screams.”
If the information being shared is recurring, and from several sources, it’s worth looking into with an open mind, Waddington suggests. “Sometimes it’s actually quite useful to know what the gossip about you is.” But not all of it will be high quality or “pure”, Waddington adds: “You need to know your dealer.”
Similarly, it’s important not to lose sight of the risks: “The potential for gossip to harm should never, ever be overlooked.”
How can you gossip for the greater good?
As far back as biblical times, gossip has been gendered as a female behaviour – though men do it too, says Waddington. “What do you think you’re doing when you go down the pub with your mates on a Wednesday night?”
McAndrew says there is evidence that gossip has greater currency for women than it does for men, and that women are more likely to use it aggressively – to ostracise people from social groups or get an advantage on rivals. But “that’s not to say that women are nastier than men”, he adds. Rather, it reflects them making use of what little power they have historically had.
In the past, understanding who could be trusted, and who was connected to whom and how, was key to women’s survival. “It became an essential skill and currency in a way that it just didn’t for men,” McAndrew says.
That remains the case today. The predatory behaviour of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby was rumoured long before they were brought to justice. In the office environment, a new female employee might be told by other women to watch out for certain male co-workers, says McAndrew. “It might be seen as negative, nasty gossip – but it’s actually serving to protect.” Similarly, gossip can highlight workplace inequity, such as if one person is being paid much more than another in the same role. “It can be a way of levelling the playing field – of dealing with power.”
Does it matter who you gossip with?
One function of gossip is as a social glue, says McAndrew: “If I’m sharing sensitive information with you, what I’m really saying is, ‘I’m trusting you not to use this information in a way that’s going to cause trouble, for me or for others’.”
That creates and strengthens bonds – but it also creates an expectation of reciprocity, he adds: “There’s pressure on you to share something back, for our relationship to move forward.”
Who we choose to gossip with, and about, can be just as revealing of ourselves. Someone spilling about their best friend to casual acquaintances, for instance, may come across as two-faced – but two best friends blowing off steam about the third in their trio can trust in their mutual understanding.
The more intimately we are connected to the person we are gossiping about, the higher the stakes, says McAndrew. “If I’m saying things about my wife to co-workers that I don’t know well, that should be a red flag, because I’m betraying a confidence to someone I’m supposed to be protecting.”
What are the gossiping ground rules?
Although our penchant for gossip goes back to the days we were hunter-gatherers, we now use different tools. And “that’s what causes a lot of the trouble”, says McAndrew. Before digital communication and social media, gossip “would travel slowly”. Now, compromising material can be shared instantaneously, unthinkingly and to large audiences. “The damage gets done much more quickly,” he says.
Even screenshots and other “receipts”, posing as crystal-clear proof, can easily be misinterpreted. Limiting your gossiping to in-person offers a level of protection, as well as more opportunities to communicate context and tone.
Similarly, McAndrew advises exercising caution when mixing gossip with alcohol: “In a situation where your guard is down and your inhibitions are lifted, you’re at greater risk. You may not remember exactly what you said to who, or be aware that you did something you shouldn’t have.”
What can you do when you get caught out?
The best course of action – but also the hardest – is to own up to your mistake, says McAndrew: “Acknowledge that this is something you did, apologise, and try your best to convince the individual you’ve offended that this will never happen again.”
Whatever you do, don’t deny that you were gossiping or try to brush it off, he says. People have different thresholds for what counts as private information – some don’t like publicising their age, for instance, or strive to keep work and home life strictly separate. “If you tell them, ‘Nobody cares’, you’re in some ways belittling them, telling them that it’s inappropriate for them to be upset. You may think it’s trivial, but if it’s not trivial to them, it’s not,” McAndrew says.
Should you tell someone if others are gossiping about them?
Gossip often presents us with moral dilemmas like this one, says Waddington. “There is no clear-cut right or wrong answer – it is ultimately an ethical decision.” She suggests approaching it “on a need-to-know basis”. If disclosing the gossip would cause the person harm, distress or suffering, then your role as their friend might be to protect them.
However, if there is benefit in sharing the gossip – for example, if it is obviously untrue or malicious – you might be able to help them challenge and expose it. It could even be an opportunity to build an alliance, says McAndrew. “Strategically letting someone know that they are the target of gossip can ingratiate you with them.” But, he adds: “One must play this game skilfully and thoughtfully.”
How can you protect yourself from hearing something you don’t want to hear?
Waddington likens gossip to a rich meal. “With good friends and good wine, it’s actually pleasurable,” she says. But overindulging can leave a nasty taste. “It’s a bit like a hangover, or feeling a bit bloated.”
Drawing the line between harmless and hurtful, however, is intensely personal. “People have to have their own moral compass, their own codes as to what is acceptable to them or not. You can’t be prescriptive, or give them a little checklist,” says Waddington. She does, however, have a strategy for when you find you’ve lost your appetite for gossip. “If somebody comes to you and says, ‘Have you heard …’, before they go any further, say: ‘Why are you telling me this?’”
