Italy may ban staring at your phone while crossing the street. Why stop there? | Dave Schilling

Imagine driving in Italy, with its narrow, cobblestone streets and scooter enthusiasts. I find it hard enough to drive in Los Angeles, a city designed specifically with the automobile in mind. I’d probably squash a pedestrian or two trying to navigate Italian roads.

The modern world is just too hectic for the ancient streets of Europe, so Italy is considering doing the only sensible thing it can: outlawing texting in crosswalks. The Italian government’s updated draft of its highway code proposes fines of €75 or more for anyone caught sending a DM, updating their LinkedIn, finishing Wordle on the fifth guess, or anything else phone-related that might make them miss an oncoming metal projectile. I’m sure most people will risk the slap on wrist to get that message off, but it at least sends a signal to the Italian people that paying attention to traffic is actually kind of important.

Distracted pedestrians aren’t just a problem in Italy, though. If I’m turning right on a red light, chances are there will be someone inching slowly toward the intersection with their thumbs furiously smashing against the glass of their iPhone, oblivious to the fact that I am planning to drive into the parcel of land they are currently occupying. It’s not just that this behavior is dangerous. It’s also deeply annoying. I’m forced to pay attention for both of us, like I’m a guardian angel or the arbiter of whether you, the clueless phone person, live or die. Sure, I might briefly get off on the power trip of having such authority over our mutual safety, but I’d much rather be thinking about where to have dinner instead of how long I should wait to honk at the drooling simpleton preventing me from turning.

I applaud the Italian government for their forward thinking. Actually, I think it’s time we criminalize more small annoyances. Such as …

Using a ringtone
Someone please explain to me why anyone bothers with leaving their ringer on. We are decades past the era when, for a dollar, you could buy that Crazy Frog song and impress your friends every time you got a call. Now, it’s just pure sonic detritus, clogging up our ears with aural poison – bleeps, bloops, pings and plops. When AMC Theaters tells an auditorium full of grown adults to silence their phones before a movie, all I can think is: “Unless they’re an on-call heart surgeon, their phone should always be silent.” Fine amount: $200

Interrupting me when I’m not done talking
I understand and accept that I have a lot to say. I make my meager living from writing, so pontificating just comes naturally to me. Sometimes, I wish it didn’t. But most of the time, what I’m saying is pretty important and you should be listening. Not waiting for your turn. I just listened to you try to captivate me with a treatise on gender roles in Christopher Nolan’s films. I respected you, even if I didn’t want to. Either let me finish or you’re fined! Fine amount: $200

Not pushing in your chair when stepping away from a table at a restaurant
Would you like to see the server at your favorite Olive Garden location break their tibia because you left your chair in the middle of a walkway? If that’s what you think of our restaurant industry workers, I’ve got a mind to go outside to my patio and bang on some pots and pans like it’s Covid lockdown to thank everyone carrying a plate of shrimp scampi who has to avoid rude customers. When you get up from your table, push in your chair. It takes two seconds and it could save a life … and a plate of delicious pasta. Fine amount: $250

Riding an electric scooter on the sidewalk
I would like to remind everyone that scooters from companies such as Lime and Lyft explicitly say to not ride these vehicles on the sidewalk. The sidewalk is called a sidewalk because it, much like Nancy Sinatra’s boots, was made for walking. A motorized conveyance doesn’t belong on the sidewalk, especially ones that actually can get some real speed behind them. Use the bike lane, for God’s sake. Or take the bus. Or anything else, really. It’s just beyond dangerous to be tooling around on a scooter while people are trying to go about their business.

I mean, what if I’m looking at my phone and texting? Shame on you, scooter guy. Fine amount: $500

• Dave Schilling is a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist