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6 hours ago
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Please sit down. Loosen your clothing. Do not adjust your screen. Take several deep breaths. Close your eyes. Imagine yourself in your happy space. Your life might not be quite the same again.
Hard to believe, but Kemi Badenoch has had a psychological makeover. Don’t get me wrong: we’re not talking a complete personality change. There hasn’t been a miracle. A laying on of hands by Donald Trump (AKA Christ the Redeemer). Kemi is still unable to stop herself from saying the ridiculous. It’s more that her madness has been somewhat diminished. Made more user-friendly. It only really resurfaces at prime minister’s questions. For reasons that aren’t quite clear, Keir Starmer is triggering for her.
It’s hard to know precisely when or how this softening has happened. It’s crept up on us all quite gradually. Maybe she’s worked through whatever led her to wake up each day ready to pick a fight with everyone. Including herself, if her reflection ever catches her eye.
Whatever the case, Kemi has undeniably mellowed. It feels as if for the first time as Conservative party leader, she is comfortable in her own skin. Just for the time being, there is no one out to get her. And best of all, she can be as rabidly rightwing as she likes and still sound normal compared with Nigel Farage. Nige gives her derangement a free pass.
So, it was an almost gentle Kemi who pitched up on Radio 5 Live shortly after 8.30am for her interview with presenter Rick Edwards. Then again, it helps that Kemi’s medical team has given her a complete memory wipe. It’s not just that she is capable of forgetting everything that happened before she became leader of the Tories in the autumn of 2024. It’s also that she is blessed with the ability to forget anything that happened the day before. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Maybe we should all take a leaf out of her book. It could be the key to everlasting happiness. Who needs meditation or therapy when you can have amnesia?
Edwards began with the US blockade of the strait of Hormuz. Was Kemi in favour of getting involved? The Tory leader shook her head. Definitely not. We didn’t have the operational capacity. And there didn’t seem to be any thought-through plan for what a blockade might achieve. Edwards sounded confused. After all, there had been no clear plan when Kemi had been all for joining in with whatever the Americans were doing at the start of the war.
“I never said that,” said Kemi. And the thing is, she actually meant it, as she has no capacity for retrieving memories from as long ago as six weeks. And there was no point in the BBC playing back footage of her putting on her flying helmet and yelling “Tally Ho” as she began her bombing run over Tehran, because that could have all been altered AI images. Kemi has spent the past six weeks watching The Capture on Sunday nights. And imagining it’s a documentary.
What Kemi most wanted – and this was non-negotiable – was that we should give the US some verbal support for their war with Iran. If she were prime minister, she would have sent both our aircraft carriers to the strait so that all the sailors and aircrew could line up on deck and cheer whenever the US launched another cruise missile in the direction of an Iranian refinery.
“What we really need to do, though, is drill for our own oil and gas,” Kemi insisted. Even though there was very little of either left. And even though, just four years ago, when she had been in government, she had argued for more investment in renewables to reduce the UK’s dependence on fossil fuels and to keep costs down. But that was all in another world. One that had never existed, and had been eradicated from the global consciousness. In KemiWorld you start drilling in the North Sea and 10 minutes later free petrol starts spilling out over garage forecourts across the country.
The memory was no better when the conversation turned to the overnight story that Lord Robertson had criticised the government for its wholly inadequate defence spending. “I totally agree with this,” said Kemi. Her voice almost gentle. For once conveying no real blame. There again, the person she might have had to blame was herself. After all, she had been part of the Conservative government that had hollowed out defence spending for 14 years. But in a world of instant fixes, she believes that Labour could have built 10 destroyers in the past two years if only they had refused to pay anyone’s welfare benefits.
We ended where we started. With Donald Trump. The man sent by God to save us all. Well, those he hadn’t managed to kill first. The US president takes a decidedly Old Testament view of his role as messiah. Had Trump crossed a line? Yes, agreed Kemi. Since Starmer has started saying things approaching what he really thinks about The Donald, it’s been open season on the president for Kemi. She had never really liked him, she said bravely. Some six weeks too late. He was childish. Preposterous. Good of her to finally notice. Amazing what you can say when you finally realise you are never going to be prime minister.
Later on Tuesday morning, Kemi and half the shadow cabinet could be found out and about in south London cleaning graffiti off some walls. Well, they shouldn’t have spray-painted it on in the first place. I know they haven’t got enough to do, but most of us draw the line at vandalism. Time for their community payback. Maybe they could take up the suggestion of the Blue – very Blue – Labour MP Samantha Niblett of making this a summer of sex. On second thoughts …
