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4 hours ago
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The question My partner and I, both in our early 40s, have been together for 15 months, though this is our second time dating. We briefly dated four years ago, but he ended things via text, which has left me feeling anxious about the possibility of him leaving again. This relationship is important to us and we’ve moved in together while trying to start a family. However, since moving in, I’ve noticed changes in him. He sometimes seems distant and our sex life has diminished. He has struggled with maintaining an erection and attributed it to a “lack of attraction”, which was difficult for me to hear.
Given the stress of fertility treatments, I suspect his issues may be emotional or physical, yet he focuses on attraction. He has suggested we reconnect through non-sexual intimacy like holding hands, which I’m willing to try. I also proposed couples therapy, which he’s hesitant about. I feel uneasy, especially when I see him looking at women online. I worry the fertility struggles are causing tension, and I fear he might leave if we can’t conceive. Although I want to work on this, part of me feels like running away. I’d appreciate any insights or advice on how to navigate these feelings and strengthen our relationship.
Philippa’s answer When we are used to having our own space and then suddenly we are sharing it, we need to learn to ask for alone time. What seems to be happening is that rather than asking for space, your partner just becomes distant. Have a conversation about this and about how it affects you and together work out a way that he can communicate his needs and have them met, rather than just going cold on you.
I wonder if his comment about not feeling as attracted to you might be masking a more complex issue, perhaps feelings of inadequacy or anxiety about sexual performance. It’s possible that his difficulties with maintaining an erection could be contributing to feelings of shame, which may then be projected on to you in the form of this unkind comment about attraction. Is he just blaming you rather than looking into himself?
Perhaps the fact you are now living together and you are fully available to him might be affecting his attraction to you. Sometimes people (usually the man) feel that when the chase is over, so too is the excitement. If his attraction is fading, because he doesn’t feel the thrill of the chase, then the real question is: what does he want in a long-term partnership? Does he want the excitement of constantly pursuing someone, or does he value the deeper connection that comes with emotional intimacy? It’s the latter that sustains long-term relationships. Perhaps he’s not yet comfortable with the emotional vulnerability that comes with truly knowing and being known by someone. His suggestion of holding hands sounds as if he might be trying to reconnect emotionally, but doesn’t fully know how to communicate what’s really going on for him.
Are you so focused on fertility treatments and day-to-day stresses that there’s little space left for playfulness, curiosity or exploration? It might be helpful to think about how you can rediscover each other outside these stresses. Sometimes, when there is pressure around sex, it can create a sense of performance anxiety for both partners, which affects how they feel about the relationship. Talking together about what sex means to each of you aside from fertility could bring you more clarity. Is it about becoming closer, or physical release? Individual or mutual pleasure? Where do equality, power or surrender come into play for each of you?
It doesn’t mean he’s about to run off with someone else because he’s looking at images of women, but it does show a lack of awareness (or worse, a disregard) for how this affects you. This isn’t about policing what he looks at; it’s about how he makes you feel in the relationship. He needs to know what impact this behaviour has on you.
Often, when we feel the urge to run, it’s because we’re overwhelmed by emotions we don’t fully understand, or we’re afraid of being hurt again. Given your history with him, it’s no surprise that part of you is guarding yourself against him leaving again. The question is, is the wish to run away because you’re afraid of the unknown, or because your gut is telling you something isn’t right?
It’s important he knows how his actions and words are affecting you. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure, loved and desired, not someone who critiques you when things get tough. You’ve already put so much into this, and it’s OK to expect more in return. It’s OK to ask for emotional and physical intimacy that doesn’t come with caveats about “lack of attraction”. And it’s OK to walk away if those needs aren’t being met.
Recommended reading: engage together with The Hold Me Tight Workbook by Dr Sue Johnson. It could help to strengthen and repair your relationship.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
