My son’s girlfriend has taken over his life and I fear he’s being suffocated | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

A year ago, our almost 18-year-old son began seeing a girl, who is a year older than him and is his first ‘real’ girlfriend. Soon he stopped seeing his friends and he spent all of his free time with her. When they were not actually together, they were on the phone or playing remote video games.

We barely saw him over the summer, as he was with her all the time. He refused to go on holiday with us unless we invited her too, which we were not willing to do .

She has a number of psychological issues, including bulimic tendencies and phobias (about school, public transport), and no friends of her own. Before meeting our son, she was going nowhere in life. Her mother told us that their daughter had been making their lives a living hell, but that everything changed when she met our son. She has since returned to school (albeit remotely) and started making plans for the future.

The problem (from our standpoint) is that all her plans revolve around our son. Everything he does, she wants to be part of. His dreams and ambitions are hers.

Our son is now studying abroad, and we hoped it might be the start of a break, but his girlfriend is planning to move over there to be with him. We are far from happy about this, but our opinion is falling on closed ears.

He is coming home for a week next month, but it has caused another huge row as he wants her stay with us for the whole week too. We refused, so he is now just staying with us for the first weekend before going to her place for the rest of the week.

Her family (unsurprisingly) find the relationship wonderful. We find it terrifying.

Our son is angry with us for not embracing this relationship, and we just don’t know what to do. We can’t pretend we’re happy to see him being slowly suffocated. Please advise!

I do understand your worry. But what is it about her that attracted your son, do you think? Presumably you trust his judgment.

This could be just that incredibly intoxicating early stage of a relationship, where everyone else is pushed out (but not you, it’s interesting to note). Do you remember back to your first relationship, what it was like and how you behaved? It may help you understand a bit more what is going on now.

I went to UKCP-registered family psychotherapist Katherine Cavallo to go through your letter. She felt for you but also asked, “Is your son happy?

“The feeling of needing to be together is not unusual, particularly early on, and with so many means to connect remotely these days, being together has become much easier. It’s encouraging that your son is pursuing his studies abroad, and that his girlfriend has returned to education and seems to be coping better. If they are both happy, being emotionally dependent on each another is not necessarily negative. Hopefully things will settle down and they will be able to tolerate and appreciate independence from each other and friendships will creep back in.”

I can’t tell you absolutely that this relationship isn’t suffocating your son but is there evidence? Is anyone else worried? And even if this relationship were toxic you’re really better off keeping your son close so that he knows he can come to you if there are problems. If he feels he has to justify the relationship to you this process will take far longer. Plus, “it will also make him more vulnerable to the influence of his girlfriend,” advised Cavallo.

I asked Cavallo at what point the relationship may become a worry: “If there were evidence that the girlfriend were preventing your son from having contact with his family; if he were becoming withdrawn or low in mood; fearful of her reaction or started to justify behaviours towards him by the girlfriend that you felt were unacceptable. But here it sounds to the contrary. It sounds like your son wants you to embrace and celebrate his new relationship and his anger may be a reflection of his hurt that you can’t do this.”

Cavallo recommends inviting them somewhere neutral if it’s easier and starting again. Try to get to know the girlfriend. Your son is growing up and becoming independent, which is how it should be. Let him know you support him and he can come to you whenever, and he will.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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