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4 hours ago
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With two opinion polls giving the Reform party a clear lead over Labour and the Conservatives, it may be time to start thinking about some practicalities. Like just who will be doing what job in a Reform-led government?
It can probably be taken it as read that Nigel Farage will be prime minister, but that leaves three MPs – make that two, as James McMurdock isn’t trusted enough by his colleagues to be allowed out in public – to fill the remaining 20-plus cabinet posts. Unless we take it that two dozen or so newly elected MPs with no experience of anything will be drafted in by Nige after the 2029 election. Run for the hills everyone.
It’s probably fair to assume that Richard Tice has his eyes on becoming chancellor. Dicky likes to think that a spell on the graveyard shift of the shopping channel flogging sunbeds makes him the ideal man to be in charge of the national finances.
He has the misplaced confidence of a man in possession of a small fortune. Mainly because he started out with a large one. No one will ever love Dicky quite the way that Dicky loves Dicky. A man who gets an erotic thrill from his own reflection. The embodiment of levitas. One budget from Dicky and the country will be pleading for the return of Kwasi Kwarteng. Reform’s collision with economic reality will make us all poorer.
As for Lee Anderson, the Ashfield MP who has crashed and burned his way through Labour and the Tories before – for now – aligning himself with Nige, that probably leaves the Foreign Office. 30p Lee, masquerading as the UK’s senior diplomat. A man who can always be trusted to handle delicate situations with tact and sensitivity. A new era in legitimised plain-speaking Islamophobia. There’s just the one problem. Anderson has no understanding and no interest in foreign affairs. His world ends at the white cliffs.
There was certainly no sign of Lee during Thursday’s urgent question in the Commons on the ongoing peace talks to end the war in Ukraine. There again, probably easier for Reform to stay away. No point in pointing out that Nige is sometimes reluctant to criticise Trump and Putin. Put it this way. Unlike many of the MPs from both sides of the chamber, Nige, Dicky and Lee are never going to find themselves on a Russian sanction list.
The session itself was a looking-glass affair. One where you had to pinch yourself to make sure you hadn’t slid into an alternative universe. One where Tory after Tory – including James Cleverly – stood up to condemn Agent Orange for trash talking President Zelenskyy and for unilaterally conceding Ukrainian territory, while the Foreign Office minister, Stephen Doughty, repeatedly insisted the US had nothing but Ukrainian interests at heart and that the talks were going swimmingly despite the Americans having walked out. “The talks had been productive because they were productive,” he said. Thank you and good night, Steve.
Nige himself was also missing from the Commons. That was because he was out and about in Dover giving yet another press conference at which he had nothing new to say. Farage is convinced he will shrivel up and die if he isn’t standing in front of a camera at least once or twice a day.
His narcissism is ravenous; never satisfied. So it no longer matters what he says. All that counts is that he is saying something and that someone is there to record it. One day we will discover there is a portrait of him ageing by the day tucked away in an attic.
Still, one mystery was solved on the Kent coast. Because it emerged that Nige thinks Nige is best-placed to be home secretary. After all, being prime minister is very much a part-time occupation. So Farage has volunteered to himself to double up. He might even go for the hat-trick and take on the Department for Work and Pensions as well. Why deprive himself of the fun of cutting people’s benefits? The highlight of any politician’s career.
First, though, Nige wanted to have a serious talk about immigration. And to everyone’s astonishment, he had come to the conclusion there are far too many foreigners in this country. Not that he didn’t like foreigners. Some of his best friends were foreigners. Though these were all foreigners who had done the decent thing and stayed in their own foreign country.
Here was the thing about foreigners who had landed up in the UK. They were all pathologically lazy. Just here for the freebies and to make real Brits poorer. To steal social housing from white people. White people were not to be confused with Albanian white people. Albanian white people were all criminals. They come over here, steal our phones, sell us drugs and take up all the spare places in our jails.
But if there was one thing worse than foreigners, it was remainers. What you had to remember about remainers is that they were all closet traitors. The only true patriots were the Brexiters. Because nothing shouts “I love Britain the most” than voting to make the country poorer.
Nige got slower and slower as he ran through his greatest hits until his batteries ran out. He ground to a halt mid-crocodile smile. His minders hastily plugged in the charger as some questions from the media came in. He wanted to re-industrialise the whole of the UK to kick-start employment. It was as if the AI revolution had escaped him. He would get rid of all diversity, equality and inclusion criteria. May the best white Brit win. A man preferably.
Kent council should close all its migrant hotels. Who cared whether that was legal or not? He went out on a high. Children were being overdiagnosed with special educational needs. Kids with autism should just pull themselves together. They should learn to do a proper day’s work rather than sponging off the state. No one could say Nige wasn’t all heart. Could they?
