Questions to ask yourself ... to improve your friendships

Does this relationship make me feel better or worse about myself?

We’ve all left a social occasion with someone feeling buoyed, or utterly deflated and angry. You can either blame yourself or the other person, but it’s often a combination of the two - or something you each bring out in the other. You can only take responsibility for your own behaviour, so look at your own responses; are you snippy? Do you answer back? Should you? It’s not that you shouldn’t retaliate, but you do need to see your place in things. If a relationship makes you feel better about yourself, cherish it and do the same for them. If not, think about why you’re still there.

Am I doing all the work – and what if I stopped?

We can all give and take more or less at times, but over time relationships should even out, otherwise resentment sets in. Some people are better at staying in touch than others. It’s often less that people don’t want to be in contact, more that they lack confidence to reach out. However, if you’re always suggesting things, it’s not a bad idea to pause and see what happens. This can jump-start others into action, but be prepared to see the friendship wither. Be honest with yourself; sometimes we can feel we’re doing all the work but when we check back over texts, we, too, have cancelled and forgotten.

Am I repeating patterns from childhood that aren’t helping me?

Family patterns are devilishly difficult to change, but it’s possible with perseverance. In the “drama triangle”, roles are often set, with someone the victim, someone the rescuer and someone the persecutor. Think which you and other members of your family might be. Difficult sibling that never pitches in? Victim. Controlling parent whose life is just one long nightmare? Persecutor. If you’re always the one who pitches in to help your parents – rescuer – what would happen if you didn’t? Are things always someone else’s fault? Victim. Look at your place in things. Childhood patterns can also play out in friendships: if we’re used to rejection, a friend saying they’re busy twice in a row could equate to “They hate me”, so you reject them before being rejected. In these situations, ask yourself: does this touch a deeper nerve? Is this about what’s actually happening, or what I’m afraid will happen?

Am I expecting too much from this friendship?

Some people are great listeners, others are amazing at practical help. Some will drive through the night with soup but won’t send you a birthday card. Just as you’d hope someone would look at you in the round, look at others in the same way. But if your friendship is constantly lacking something that matters to you, ask yourself why you’re clinging on to it. Nostalgia? Fear? You don’t need to burn bridges but sometimes, after a timely pause, you can meet each other again at a different life juncture.

Are we growing together or apart? And if it’s the latter, what’s missing?

Shared experiences bring people together, but those don’t need to be recent. I have school friends whom I meet regularly; others I see rarely but we talk often. The important glue is staying interested in each other’s lives. Family relationships tend to ride this problem out, thanks to blood ties and the fact that there are other family members to discuss. With friends, if you’re not on the same path any more, you can find yourself left out or without much to say to each other. Do you want to fix it? Can you remember when you last had fun together? Can you do something that brings you together?

Am I answering my needs?

This is one of the most important things I ever learned. When I get frazzled and overwhelmed, I ask myself: what exactly do I need?