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2 months ago
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A romantic relationship
“Am I staying out of fear, attachment, obligation or genuine love?” That’s the question to ask yourself if you’re not sure whether to break up with a partner, says dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield. “You might be enduring unhealthy behaviours because you’re scared of what life would look like without them,” she says.
Signs your relationship might have become unhealthy include a lack of trust, consistent disrespect and regular arguments, whether they’re big or small. “Bickering over small things is usually a sign of a bigger problem that’s not being openly acknowledged,” says Mansfield. “Meanwhile, disrespect could be verbal put-downs that are positioned as banter or jokes or, at the extreme end, abusive behaviour.” More subtle signs might be a lack of desire to do things together and feeling drained after interacting with your partner.
If you feel the relationship has reached the end of the road, it’s a bad idea to call it quits in the heat of an argument. “It’s best to initiate a breakup when you feel calm, allowing for a constructive conversation,” says Mansfield.
Drinking
“There’s a moment when we know that enough is enough,” says sobriety coach Gill McKay. This isn’t always something obvious, like getting caught drink-driving. “It could be a series of small incidents accompanied by emotions like shame, disgust or sadness,” she says. “This could be seeing a loved one roll their eyes at you pouring wine, or your partner commenting on how full the recycling box is.”
An easy first step is identifying your motivation for giving up, which could be becoming more healthy, saving money or being more present for your loved ones, says McKay. “Owning your ‘why’ can give you strength when you have doubts, and want to pour a drink.”
A job
“Quitting your job gets a bad rap, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do,” says Keren Blackmore, career coach and founder of Leap of Thought. Good reasons include a lack of opportunities for growth, such as promotions or training opportunities, or a toxic working environment, which Blackmore describes as “an environment where you’ll witness backstabbing, hostility, unreasonable expectations, a consistent lack of clarity”. Alternatively, you may have tried to improve things and been shut down. “If you feel unheard or have been told that what you have asked for is not likely to happen,” Blackmore says.
Don’t mistake the “Sunday scaries” for a reason to quit, though, Blackmore adds: “It’s not unusual to feel a pang of discomfort at the thought of going to work during stressful periods.” Instead, think about why you feel you want to quit, how long you’ve felt like this, and what’s important to you in your career, which could include things like salary, job title, flexibility, parental-leave policy and company culture. Take it slowly – waiting until you’ve secured any bonuses on the horizon. “Use your remaining time at the organisation to grow your network and skills, and practise talking about your achievements.”
A diet
Whether you’re trying a new diet to lose weight or for health or environmental reasons, pay attention to your body’s response. According to Anna Mapson, a nutritional therapist and founder of Goodness Me Nutrition, it might be time to quit a diet if you’re always feeling hungry, or experience a significant change in bowel habits: “Vegan diets may lead to low levels of nutrients such as iron or vitamin B12, and you may find your energy levels drop, you get headaches or feel dizzy.” If this happens, Mapson recommends getting a blood test to check for deficiencies – you can take supplements if your levels are low, but you might prefer to change your diet.
“A diet where a gym trainer or an app’s algorithm has set your carbohydrate, protein and fat consumption could potentially lead to nausea, constipation or bloating,” Mapson says. That’s because you might be eating a set amount of food, irrespective of whether you feel hungry or not, to meet certain protein goals, for example. This doesn’t mean you have to avoid a diet like this, but Mapson suggests adapting the meal plan to suit your body and how you feel.
And if a diet is affecting your mental health, don’t ignore it. Mapson says: “If you’re constantly worrying about what to eat or avoiding social occasions, then you could be happier with a more relaxed approach.”
A friendship
Wondering if a friendship has run its course? Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says there are a few different warning signs: “If you start to feel a sense of irritation or boredom at the thought of your friend, or their behaviour, this might be a sign that things aren’t quite right. This might be accompanied by a sense that you have less in common than you used to, or that you are driven to spend time with them solely out of a sense of duty.”
Feeling as though you want to hide things from a friend is a red flag – whether it’s to avoid criticism or ridicule, or to spare their feelings. While we often think of manipulation in terms of romantic relationships, it can be an issue in friendships, too. Sturmer says: “Feeling pressured to behave in ways that feel uncomfortable or unhealthy, such as spending beyond our means or being encouraged to dislike certain friends” are giveaways.
Before you do anything to end the friendship, stop to think if any problems could be fixable. Are they short-term and tied to your friend going through difficult times? If you do decide to end the friendship, make sure you “behave with integrity and kindness”, says Sturmer. This means considering whether you should explain why you don’t want to be friends, or if it’s kinder to be less confrontational.
A hobby
It can be hard to let go of a hobby you’ve invested time and money in by signing up to classes or buying equipment, but if you’re ready to quit don’t let this stop you. “Quitting can be the portal to an entirely new hobby – why delay the revelation?” says Julia Keller, author of Quitting: A Life Strategy. “We outgrow hobbies, and we shouldn’t be afraid to discover new ones.” A sign the time has come to make that move? “When you’re no longer looking forward to it with zeal.”
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Keller suggests examining when you started feeling unenthusiastic about your hobby and whether something else was going on in your life: “Maybe the problem isn’t with the hobby, but with something completely unrelated that’s temporary, such as being overwhelmed by work. Often we toss away everything in our attempt to fix one thing.”
If you’re on the fence about quitting your hobby, Keller suggests taking a temporary pause, rather than stopping altogether, to see if you miss it. “But if you’re not relishing a hobby, move on,” she says.
An exercise regime
Dr Rick Seah, consultant in musculoskeletal, sport and exercise medicine at the Wellington hospital in London, says a high incidence of injuries, plateauing results, excessive fatigue and prolonged recovery periods are useful pointers to look at adjusting your exercise regime. But he recommends not giving up on exercise completely. “It’s worth considering why these issues may be occurring,” Seah says. “For example, it is generally not sensible to train hard during periods of acute illness, when the body prioritises its resources to enable it to return to good health as opposed to performance optimisation.”
Many people mistake pain as a reason to stop a new exercise regime, says Seah, but “reducing rather than stopping will resolve many issues”. For example, if you were a good runner in your 20s and have taken it up again in your 40s, you might experience pain as you adapt. “In this instance, it would be sensible to ease off on the weekly training sessions and moderate the intensity,” says Seah.
He also advises sticking to an exercise regime for somewhere between a few weeks and a few months before quitting, and reflecting on whether you enjoy the activity, how it fits with your fitness goals, and if you can see yourself doing it long-term.
A book
If you’ve started a book, do you have to finish it? John Clegg, bookseller for the London Review Bookshop, says there are some tell-tale signs that you should let go: “If it’s a novel and you can’t remember the characters or distinguish between them; or if it’s nonfiction and it fees like you’ve been cornered by the most boring guest at a party”. If you’re on the brink of giving up, ask yourself: “Do you have anything better to read? Or are you just cross with the book because you’re tired or in a bad mood?”
Clegg recommends reading at least 10 pages of the book before calling it quits. But if you’re close to the end, he suggests persevering: “If you’re within a couple of chapters, you should probably press on to the bitter end, if only so you can give an authoritative anti-recommendation.”
If you’re concerned about your social media usage, ask yourself what purpose it’s serving. “Is it making you smarter? Kinder? Better informed? Happier? More prosperous?” asks Keller. If not, then reassess your use. “Quit or drastically reduce your time on social media if it feels as if it is distorting your relationship with reality and basic happiness.”
An example would be if you go for dinner with your partner and you both sit scrolling on your phones rather than chatting to each other. “When the human beings you care about are playing second fiddle to holiday photos, you’ve reached a tipping point,” says Keller.
Cal Newport, author of Digital Minimalism, suggests taking a pause as a starting point: “If you use these services and feel uneasy about how much time they demand, take a 30-day break. See what it’s like without these digital diversions.”
