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The music mogul’s ‘freak offs’ allegedly involved kink, BDSM – and coercion. That’s not us, says the community
When music mogul and rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs was arrested in September on federal charges including sex trafficking and racketeering conspiracy, a narrative started to build: Diddy parties apparently extended far beyond his celebrated white parties, in which guests at the star-studded events donned white clothing and munched white food supposedly to represent simplicity and break down barriers.
Accounts soon emerged of other legendary Combs parties. Referred to as “freak offs”, these events allegedly involved group sex, kink, BDSM, public masturbation and plenty of baby oil – more than 1,000 bottles of the slippery stuff was found when officers raided Combs’s Los Angeles mansion.
Combs has entered a plea of not guilty and is jailed in New York awaiting a trial set for May. Combs’s handlers, meanwhile, got to work defending him to the public. They have maintained that the mogul did nothing wrong and was merely engaged in an unconventional adult “lifestyle”.
But practitioners of unconventional adult lifestyles – often referred to as “sex-positive” – take issue.
“People in our community don’t want to be equated with people who are under investigation for things that include sexual misconduct and coercion,” explains Sophia Iannicelli, executive director of the Pan Eros foundation, a Seattle non-profit that aims to celebrate consent and sexuality through education and the arts. Iannicelli says people like Combs can sully the reputation of the sex-positive community and become “a really big driver for people not wanting to be more open about doing things that are considered unconventional from a sexual or a relationship point of view”.
Her organization hosts the annual Seattle Erotic Art festival as well as educational events. They also manage Gallery Erato, a space for other groups to host events and parties, including group sex parties and masturbation events called “jackoffs”. Some of these activities may mirror those that allegedly took place at Combs’ freak offs, but there’s a significant difference, Iannicelli says: “In the sex-positive community, first and foremost, consent is everything.”
The Consent Academy is an educational arm of Pan Eros that works to educate about the nuances of consent. Its website defines consent as “a shared feeling, created together through a process of constant, collaborative discovery. It’s a feeling that comes from voluntary agreement (made without coercion) between those with decision-making capacity, knowledge, understanding, and autonomy.”
Co-director Asha Lerae points out that there are stringent guidelines, saying: “For example, sex between children and adults is never consensual.” (Several suits allege that Combs or associates engaged in sexual acts with minors.)
A major power differential is also problematic. If you are someone’s teacher, employer, supervisor or mentor, or you are a music mogul holding a career over someone’s head, Lerae notes, mutual consent becomes nearly impossible.
The point, says co-director Ariana Coveney, is that if you want to have a kinky or non-conventional sex party, it needs to be with willing people on equal footing.
While there is something called “chem sex” in which people intentionally take certain drugs to heighten a sexual experience, the sex-positive community is mostly wary of drugs and excessive alcohol consumption.
“Intoxication takes away consent,” warns Hercules Liotard, a Vermont sex educator and pleasure coach.
Rest assured, though, that you don’t have to be a mogul to take part in a non-conformative sex party. A large variety of sex events – kink, BDSM, leather, swinger parties and more – are happening “all the time, everywhere”, says Liotard, an advisory board member of Sex Positive World, an organization that started in Portland, Oregon, in 2009 and now includes more than 5,000 members and 10 chapters in cities across the US and Europe.
Sex Positive World and local chapters host non-traditional-sex events. There are also many private members-only sex clubs throughout the US. “People may have a sense that sex events are only happening in very liberal areas, but it’s really not true,” says Liotard. Florida, New Hampshire, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas and Utah – to name just a few states – have very active swinger and kink communities. “It’s really all over if you look,” Liotard says. Liotard even noticed a large conservative contingency supporting Trump on Fet Life, which he describes as the “kinky Facebook”.
Proponents say open-mindedness about sex and sex events should be embraced by everyone regardless of political persuasion. “A lot of the people have been raised in a very sex-negative environment with very sex-negative messages,” says Emily Prior, editor of the Journal of Positive Sexuality. “And so anything that we’ve been taught about sex is usually all the bad things … ‘Here are all the horrible things that could happen if you have sex outside of the heteronormative marriage.’” But when done ethically and legally, there may be health benefits to expanding one’s sexuality: studies show that positive sexual experiences improve mental health, reduce stress and anxiety, and enhance physical health.
Dr Jessica M Yih, assistant professor of urology and director of women’s sexual health and male infertility at the University of California, Irvine, agrees. “I always encourage people to explore different things,” says Yih, who points out that it’s liberating to be open to various and changing sensual and sexual experiences throughout one’s lifespan. “We don’t have to just do penis and vagina our entire lives.” For some people, being sex positive may also include embracing celibacy or asexuality if that’s what they’re called to do.
Unfortunately for the curious folks, though, cases such as Combs’s can induce fear and certainly don’t help the sex-positive movement.
Coveney from the Consent Academy has some good advice: “If you want to put on a sex party, come to us. There are far better and safer ways to do it than the freak off.”
