You be the judge: my dad wants to track my location on his phone. Should he leave me alone?

4 hours ago 5

The prosecution: Martha

I like to keep Dad updated, but only for important things – and on my terms. I am 27!

My dad and I disagree about whether he should follow me on the Find My Friends phone app, which lets you track people in real time. He used to, but when I went to university I removed him as a follower. I don’t think he needs to know where I am all the time.

I’m 27 now, but it’s still a bone of contention. Dad says I don’t call him enough – I think that’s why he’s being so persistent about being re-added. He says: “I would know what you were up to if you let me follow you on Find My Friends.”

But I don’t want him tracking me, as he used to take it too far when I was younger. Once, when I was in a coffee shop, he texted me saying: “Hope you enjoy your coffee.” It’s nosy and I felt like I was under surveillance. It was funny for a bit, but then I thought: how often is he looking? That sort of thing happened several times as a teenager.

I’ve lived in London since I was 18, having moved there from the Channel Islands, where my parents and younger brother still live. Dad has both my brothers on Find My Friends, and says they don’t mind it. But I don’t want him to see what I’m up to.

I understand him following my younger brother on the app as he still lives at home. It’s useful if you want to check someone’s whereabouts, or see if they are on their way home. But Dad and I don’t live in the same place, so it’s not like he could do anything about it if I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

Recently, Dad used Find My Friends to look up places my older brother was visiting on holiday in Nicaragua. He messaged him things like: “I saw you went to that waterfall.” That would drive me mad. I like to catch up with Dad on the phone; I don’t need to be checked up on in real time.

I brought it up at work and my colleagues agreed that the whole thing is weird. Mum doesn’t get involved much but agrees Dad should drop it. I like to keep him updated, but only when it’s significant, and on my own terms. There are no big secrets. It’s just that I’m an adult.

The defence: Neil

Martha isn’t great at keeping in touch, so it’s nice to know she’s alive. It’s not stalking, it’s love

In my defence, I have the rest of my family on Find My Friends. I have three children and Martha is the eldest. But my two sons are on my side, and they don’t mind being followed at all.

I’m a town planner and I really like maps. I don’t live with all my children, so I like to look up where they are. That way, when I visit them and we go to those places, they feel familiar to me. It’s a virtual way to follow their lives. We’re in separate places and I don’t see them very often, so it’s nice to take an interest in their daily routines.

It’s also quite handy when they go on holiday. When my eldest son went to Nicaragua, it was really interesting to see where he was visiting along the coast, as I knew nothing about the country. I saw the little pinpoints, then Googled those places to see his trip for myself. You can change the background to look at it in map form, or look at the terrain. It’s really nice.

And when we are all in the same place, the app is really practical when we meet up, as you can see where people are, or why they are late.

Martha makes out that I look at it obsessively, but I don’t. I’d never message her to ask what she’s doing. When I did that before, it was just a joke. But it is quite nice to know she is alive, because she’s not good at keeping in touch.

We are physically separated – I live on an island so I can’t just jump on a train to see her. The app makes me feel more connected to her. Martha sends photos when she travels for work saying: “Guess where I am?” I joke that I wouldn’t have to guess if I could follow along.

Martha left home a long time ago now. I don’t wait for her texts, or worry about her in London. She’s very free and independent and safety has never been a worry; I just want to be caught up on what she is doing. My other kids are very relaxed about the Find My Friends thing. They understand that it’s not stalking, it’s love.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Martha allow her dad to track her on his phone?

Neil needs to understand that he has breached Martha’s personal boundaries in the past, and she’s trying to reassert them. Sometimes a parent’s affection, even if well intended, can become suffocating and invasive. If he respects Martha’s needs now, their relationship will be much healthier in the long run.
George, 28

As a parent, I do understand that it’s hard to let go of your children. But while I have some empathy for Neil, he is in the wrong. The fact that his other sons are fine with it is irrelevant; Martha is an independent adult, and he wants to invade her privacy.
Anne, 65

The app is useful for emergencies. However, Neil says he’s not worried about safety – he wants “to be caught up on what she’s doing”. In my opinion that’s just being nosy. No wonder Martha finds it intrusive. Judith, 58

If Martha isn’t comfortable with the location tracking, her father should respect her boundaries. In return, Martha ought to acknowledge that his request comes from a place of love and could suggest a different way to catch up more regularly as a compromise.
Alicia, 25

I empathise with Martha not wanting to be observed, and Neil should respect that. It sounds like he is a sweet and loving dad though, so surely calling him more often wouldn’t hurt? Only updating him “when it’s significant” seems a shame.
Leo, 25