You be the judge: my husband returned a gift my sister gave us. Should he confess?

5 hours ago 8

The prosecution: Elodie

The present was a caring gesture whether we liked it or not. Returning it was rude – Max should fess up

I think my husband Max has committed a big social faux pas, but he disagrees. He returned a gift – a ceramic bowl – my sister Ruby bought us for our house-warming. Then I lied to her and said he smashed it by accident, and now I just feel bad about the whole thing.

I think returning gifts, especially from family members, is ungracious, no matter how much you don’t like them. The bowl wasn’t our style: it was huge, with petals on the side and a kind of bogey-green. We wouldn’t have picked it ourselves. But that doesn’t mean it should go.

Ruby didn’t just grab it at random, she chose it for us and that means something. But Max returned it to the shop without asking me. When I found out I laughed at first, but then I asked him why he couldn’t have hidden it in the spare room or something. He said: “We hate the bowl, I’ve got rid of it.” But I think that’s rude.

When Ruby came round a month later she asked where we’d put it and I aid Max had smashed it when putting it on our bathroom shelf, because I didn’t want to out him. I thought it was kinder than saying, “Max hated it, so we returned it.”

Not everything in a home needs to be perfectly curated. Sometimes quirky, offbeat things make a house feel lived-in and layered. Gifts hold emotion – returning them, even discreetly, erases that gesture. Before Ruby visited, we discussed what would happen if she asked about the bowl. Max didn’t care. He said, “Tell her the truth”, but I thought a white lie would be kinder.

Now I feel bad about it. I think Max should come clean to my sister and explain why he returned it. But I also think returning gifts sets a bad precedent. It says we only accept things that fit a certain mould, and that kind of perfectionism can be isolating. It’s too late now, but I want Max to be aware that returning or re-gifting joint presents without asking me is not the way forward.

The defence: Max

We both hated it, so why should we feel obliged to keep an ugly gift? I wasn’t ungrateful – just practical

I understand that gift-giving comes from a good place, but I don’t think that means we’re obliged to hold on to something we’ll never use.

The bowl Ruby gave us looked like it had melted in the kiln. It was an awful green colour, too big and its edges were like misshapen leaves. We’re decorating our new home and it’s a matter of aesthetic. Why should we have to keep something that doesn’t fit in? We genuinely didn’t have a place for it. Elodie agreed and also hated it, but I took the initiative to return it.

Our space is carefully curated. I’m a graphic designer – I like mid-century design furniture and clean edges, and Elodie has similar taste to me. The bowl stuck out like a sore thumb.

I’m not ungrateful. I appreciate the thought and when Ruby gave it to us, I masked my feelings. Don’t we all have to admit that sometimes gifts miss the mark? I exchanged it for a grey pot that Elodie and I love and that has a place in our home. That feels as if I’m honouring the intention of the gift.

Personally, I would have told Ruby about the return, but for some reason, Elodie panicked and lied when she asked. If I’d been there I would have come clean. I think it’s fine to say: “We didn’t love it but look what we got instead, thanks.” But Elodie just said I smashed the bowl because she thinks Ruby is sensitive and would rather hear that than the truth.

All I did was get rid of the bowl we hated. I don’t think she needs to come clean now; it’s done. Ruby was upset for five minutes, but she got over it.

If we keep every gift out of obligation, we’ll end up living in a museum of other people’s tastes. I want our home to reflect who we are. Anyone who brings us a present should respect our philosophy. That doesn’t make me rude, just practical.

On reflection, I think I could have run the idea by Elodie before I went to the shop to exchange it, but I honestly didn’t think it would be this big an issue. However, as I look at our lovely pot, I have no regrets.

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The jury of Guardian readers

Should Max come clean?

Be upfront and tell Ruby how much you appreciated the thought but it wasn’t quite your taste, so you swapped it for something that would still be from her and mean the same. That’s unless you are sure this would cause offence – in which case, stick to the lie!
Liz, 51

Max should at least have asked Elodie before he returned the gift. It was from her sister, so they should have made the decision together. As it wasn’t a huge item, they could have kept it for sentimental purposes if Elodie felt strongly about it.
Young-hee, 33

Coming clean now seems pointless – the white lie is better than hurting Ruby’s feelings. But you should also make her aware that similar gifts are not needed in future! And Max should have talked to Elodie before returning the bowl.
Gillian, 56

Max should definitely have discussed this with Elodie before returning the gift, and he does come across as ungrateful and rude. But swapping it for something they like is better than hiding it away. It’s too late to tell Ruby now, but they should have been honest and hoped she didn’t take offence.
Emma, 54

I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from Max confessing at this point. But he should have kept the bowl in the first place – he and Elodie could then have had a good laugh about it.
Jean, 44