You be the judge: should my girlfriend stop using my earphones?

7 hours ago 4

The prosecution: Tim

It’s gross – I wouldn’t use her toothbrush, so why would I use her earphones?

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend, Lila, for three years. We obviously know each other intimately, but I just can’t get on board with sharing earphones. There’s something so gross about it. I hate cleaning off someone else’s earwax afterwards and Lila’s ears are generally stickier than mine.

Lila thinks I’m overreacting. She thinks that because we’re dating it’s weird to be so grossed out by this. But I wouldn’t use her toothbrush, so why would I use her earphones?

We both have cheap pairs and leave them around the flat. But Lila treats both sets as if they are hers, even though I deliberately bought blue ones to distinguish them. I only use mine, so when I see her connecting to my set for a run, or walking out the door with them, I make her swap.

This isn’t just me being fussy, it’s actually backed by science. Earwax carries bacteria and earphones can trap moisture. I read an article that said shared earphones can increase the risk of ear infections. Maybe I’m a neurotic germophobe, but I’d rather that than get an ear infection.

Lila has lost her earphones twice. She used to have some expensive Apple ones, which she left in a bar. Since then, she’s only had cheaper ones, but she’s lost those too. I don’t want her to lose mine.

Sometimes she forgets to bring hers on a journey. Once, on a trip to Wales to see my parents, she wanted to listen to my playlist. I reluctantly gave her my earphones, even though I didn’t want to. I ended up disinfecting them afterwards, which offended her. Lila framed it as if I had rejected a sweet romantic gesture, but I just didn’t like the idea of shared ear goo.

There are lots of other ways to connect, after all. We cuddle, we cook together, we watch movies and I’m affectionate. I just don’t want to be guilt-tripped for keeping my earphones to myself. If I have to start hiding them, I will, but I’d rather Lila just stick to the earphone rules of our home.

The defence: Lila

We kiss and do all the normal things couples do – so why are earphones a step too far?

Tim is a bit more of a clean freak than me, but I’m not dirty. I always do the lion’s share of the cleaning in our flat and I shower just as often as Tim, which is once a day (sometimes more, if I’ve exercised). But I don’t see sharing earphones as being risky or gross.

In the past, when I’ve lost mine, I’ve had no choice but to use his, and then I just got used to it. Tim says sharing is unhygienic, but that feels overblown. We kiss and do all the normal things couples do. But for some reason earphones are a step too far for him.

I’m sure there are more bacteria in our mouths. Whenever I use Tim’s earphones he makes this big show of wiping them down with his sleeve, or gets out this special spray. He physically stops me and makes me take his earphones out if he sees me using them.

He’s had a few ear infections in his life, from swimming. I’ve never had one, so I don’t know the pain of that. But I’m pretty sure you can’t get an infection from sharing earphones.

When Tim once disinfected his earphones after we shared them on a train journey, I was mildly offended but also quite amused. I didn’t leave any earwax on them and I don’t agree with the notion that my ears are more sticky than his. I clean them regularly, it’s just something he’s conjured up to justify not sharing.

I also think sharing earphones on a journey is quite romantic. I’m not trying to infect him, I’m inviting him to watch a show that I’m enjoying. It’s a form of connection, and I don’t think humans get enough of that any more – we are always rushing, or listening to separate shows and playlists on the go. Why not share earphones on a plane and be connected to the same thing?

For me, it’s not a big deal – if you live together everything is fair game. When you’re in a relationship, you share things. I’m not asking to borrow his toothbrush or razor, and even that wouldn’t be the end of the world to me. I just want to live safe in the knowledge that if I have to listen to the music for 10 minutes I won’t be treated as though I’m some kind of sticky-eared monster.

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The jury of Guardian readers

Should Lila only use her own earphones?

I relate to Lila, but she should respect Tim’s wishes. I don’t think sharing things in a relationship is a big deal, and agree that it can create a sense of intimacy. But it sounds like this matters more to Tim than it does to Lila, so she should respect his boundaries.
Joe, 28

Tim is overreacting. How likely is it really that you’d get an ear infection from sharing earphones? When you’re in a long-term relationship, you become a team and it’s nice to feel comfortable enough to share things that you wouldn’t with other people.
Grace, 25

I do understand where Lila is coming from, and if I were her I’d feel a bit put out too. But it seems like this is a red line for Tim. If Lila wants to share earphones, they should buy a splitter. Then they can share music but keep their own earphones.
Ife, 36

We all have odd quirks in relationships, and this is clearly Tim’s. Lila might not think it’s a big deal, but if it makes him uncomfortable enough to disinfect his earphones, Lila shouldn’t pressure him into sharing.
Elisa, 45

I wouldn’t think twice about sharing earphones with my girlfriend, but I still think Lila is in the wrong. If Tim feels that strongly about it, Lila should respect that.
Alistair, 31