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1 day ago
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A few weeks ago I told my friend – a good friend – that I was considering having a third kid. The colour washed from her face, and before her filter could kick in she said: “Please don’t.” She corrected herself. “You don’t really want to, do you?” I realised she thought I was unhappy. She thought I regretted it all. She was wrong on both accounts, but I didn’t blame her for coming to such a stark conclusion.
That friend was not Chappell Roan. But the pop star is being pelted with the internet equivalent of soiled nappies for saying “all [her] friends who have kids are in hell” and “she doesn’t know anyone who’s happy with children at her age”.
The Pink Pony Club singer also said on Alex Cooper’s Call Her Daddy podcast that: “I literally have not met anyone [with young kids] who’s happy – anyone who has like light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”
God, what has she done?
But I owe it to the one person besides Imogen Heap whose music can put my six-month-old to sleep in the car to mount some sort of defence here. Sure, she might be wrong about the “happy” part. So many parents are knee deep in chaos while being somehow simultaneously over the moon. But if in between winning awards and touring she’s managed a whirlwind trip to her home town, I’m not shocked she’s been left with the thought that her friends with young kids are in hell.
I so viscerally remember the fight or flight instinct in my friends’ eyes when I had my first baby and was spiralling. As I whinged, I could see they didn’t get the insane duopoly that was my postpartum mental state. I was so happy, but so drained. I was elated, but exhausted. I was in love, but crying … again. And I needed to whinge. I would have happily done a Ted Talk on how my kids slept. Those three little dots typing in the mum’s group WhatsApp? Me. There are few things more cathartic for a new parent than a good whinge; an expulsion of what we’re wading through, just to remind ourselves it’s a slog.
Roan’s comments have unsurprisingly made a lot of mums angry on TikTok. But to me the comments reveal the Grammy-winning artist is simply a good friend who has listened to her friends as they navigate the perils of early parenthood. I so hope she sat on a yoghurt-stained couch while her friends vented about sleepless nights and the cost of blueberries. If she’s been blasted with the timeless tales of parenting – or seen it with her own eyes – and assumed her friends were unhappy, then great. That’s probably an understandable conclusion, even if it might not be the right one. The fact she’s gone a step further and thought “nah, not for me”; well, that’s inspiring.
Not only does Roan appear to be a good listener, the comments show a reassuring amount of empathy. Especially for someone who is a role model to young kids. She went on to say she didn’t know why her own parents did it. It took me 29 years – two years longer than Roan at 27 – for the thought to even cross my mind. This is an era where we can and should be able to talk candidly about how tough having kids is; whether you’re a parent or not.
I’m four months out from finishing parental leave, and I’m convinced this very well could be the happiest I’ve ever been. But it’s also tide-marked by moments of absolute, inconceivable hell. And the light in my eyes? It wavers from nonexistent to a euphoric glow. The dramatic yo-yos of parenthood feel impossible to describe, but if Chappell ever wants to come over and hear about it, my couch is filthy and waiting.
