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3 hours ago
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On another day it might even have been quite funny. The mismatch between Kemi Badenoch’s self-belief and her performance. But Wednesday’s prime minister’s questions was far too serious for that, with Donald Trump’s Awfully Big Iranian Adventure threatening to escalate into all-out war in the Middle East.
It was also a day when you could think the unthinkable. Might Kemi actually be even weaker than Chris Philp? Certainly she’s the worst leader of the Tory party in living memory. There again, the gene pool of talent is no more than a puddle.
Sometimes a leader of the opposition just has to suck it up at PMQs. Put usual hostilities on hold for the sake of the country’s security. Keir Starmer had to do it quite regularly in the early days of the Ukraine conflict. Offering his unequivocal support to Boris Johnson. It’s called acting in the national interest. And there is a long term payoff. Because ultimately people recognise you as a serious politician. Someone whom the country might one day trust to be prime minister.
But Kemi just isn’t that serious. Perhaps she’s already realised that she’s never going to be prime minister so she thinks it doesn’t matter. Though that would credit her with rather more personal insight than she has previously revealed. Rather, it’s that at best Kemi is a two-dimensional cut-out. A cartoon version of a leader of the opposition. A woman entirely without nuance who is condemned to fail time after time as she shouts the same questions time and again and totally misses the point. Tonal deficit disorder.
You could, I suppose, make an exception for not following the conventions during a time of war – if Kemi actually had any observations that were both new and to the point. If she does, she is keeping them to herself. More worrying for the Tories, most of the rest of the country seems to have a better understanding of the geo-political ramifications of a war in the Middle East than she does. So when Kemi says she is speaking for the country, she really isn’t. It’s just another part of her self-delusion. The Unbearable Lightness of Kemi. She’s really just talking to herself.
These are the lessons that Kemi has taken from the last five days. That if the US starts a war then the UK should offer its wholehearted support immediately. Kemi will get someone else to count the body bags later. Anything less than all-out war would be pathetic and weak. To worry that Donald Trump might not have actually thought through the consequences of his actions – heaven forbid – would be to undermine the Special Relationship.
Starmer’s takeaways have been rather different. First, that after Iraq, taking the country into another illegal war might not be the smartest move. Second, that no one ever lost money betting on how stupid and capricious The Donald could be. It would never have occurred to the US president that there needed to be an endgame in mind before dropping bombs on Tehran. The only plan Trump had ever had was to carry on until he got bored. Then he would stop and let the suckers clean up the mess. Nor would the Brits have got much thanks if they had joined in. Trump doesn’t do long-term relationships. He’s an orange man-child. One day you’re his best friend. The next, you’re dead to him.
So the clashes between Keir and Kemi at PMQs felt almost existential. A battle between sanity and the distorted reality of an angry teenager. Thankfully sanity won out. Starmer had started with the seriousness the subject matter deserved. Almost a public service broadcast. The protection of UK nationals in the area was a priority. Kemi quickly ramped up the intensity. No one wants to see an escalation, she said. But why hadn’t we escalated the war? There was no part of Iran that we shouldn’t be bombing. She wasn’t sure why we should be escalating, but it would be much more exciting if we did. And it would give her a sense of purpose.
Thereafter things fell even further apart for Kemi. Having first embarrassed herself by showing she had no knowledge of the missile capabilities of the F35, Kemi then went into an all-out rant about the state of the British armed forces. It was a dereliction of duty by the Labour government. Except it really wasn’t. It was about the cuts the Tories made during their 14 years in office. Somehow, Kemi thinks you can build three aircraft carriers and five destroyers in a couple of months. It’s as if they were Airfix kits.
Starmer pointed all this out and the shadow defence secretary, James Cartlidge, became extremely agitated, grabbing the Ukraine flag in his lapel. Deeds not words, James. Keir then tried to use his time to offer some information on progress in evacuating UK nationals from the Gulf. Everyone bar the Reform treasurer, Nick Candy, who has declared he feels safer with missiles hitting Dubai than in Sadiq Khan’s London. Really.
This seemed to outrage Kemi. She didn’t seem in the slightest bit interested in whether Brits got home safely. If you will go on holiday or work abroad, you deserve anything that comes your way. Thank God she is never going to be prime minister. She returned to her theme. Starmer had stopped funding the armed services and given all the money to scroungers on benefits. It was now Tory policy that all benefits should be suspended for at least two months so we could buy loads of missiles and bombs. Bombety bomb.
Kemi sat down with a wide grin on her face. The look of a job well done. She had no idea that she had crashed and burned. Turned in one of the worst ever – borderline disgraceful – performances at PMQs during a time of national crisis. In her own mind, she will always be the heroine of every storyline. Even polling 1% at the Gorton and Denton byelection has been rewritten as as a triumph. There can be no hope for someone with such a severe personality disorder.
Still, there was one other Tory as quarterwitted. Step forward Gareth Bacon, who asked about the special relationship. He had his arse handed to him on a plate. The special relationship was about defending each other and sharing information. It wasn’t about following Donald Trump around like a lap dog. The Tory right were so out of touch with the country. Keir may have been a disappointment as prime minister domestically. But it doesn’t bear thinking about the state we’d be in if Kemi or Farage were in Downing Street right now.
