Digested week: So Harry and Meghan are moving back to the UK. Who cares?

Monday

There are some days you never forget. It was about 6.30 in the morning the day after we had done a long drive back from hospital. Anna was five years old, Robbie just two and both were wide awake and had got me out of bed. I took them downstairs to plonk them in front of the TV to try and buy myself some time. I switched the TV on and didn’t turn it off for the rest of the day. Princess Diana had been killed in a car crash. I just stared and stared, not quite taking it in. Hard to believe that it all took place nearly 30 years ago, but Penguin has just announced that next month it will be publishing a biography of Diana written by her brother, Charles Spencer. “I want to speak on Diana’s behalf and do so in an openly positive way,” he has said, adding that she was “A one-off, dynamic character, full of love, charisma and self-doubt, who gave life a hell of a go, and left the world a far better place, despite exiting the stage while still so young.” Yup. Well it was hardly ever going to be a hatchet job, was it.

I can’t help wondering what more there can possibly be to say about Diana. Maybe we will be surprised. Maybe her brother has access to information that will completely reframe the way Diana is remembered. But somehow I doubt it. There again, I may not be the target market. I appear to be the only person who doesn’t give a toss that Harry and Meghan are returning to the UK. As far as I’m concerned, they can live where they like. Even so, I am sure I will still read the Diana offering.

The king and Ethel Caterham, who turned 117 today. Charles: ‘That’s how I felt when I heard Harry was coming back.’ Photograph: Jonathan Brady/PA

Tuesday

Part One. After a wonderful week away with friends in France where we managed to relax, laugh and forget about cancer, there’s one thing that’s almost always guaranteed to bring you down to earth. A reminder that your holiday is well and truly over. That’s the moment when you take your car back to the car hire centre at Toulouse airport.

What a difference a week makes. On the way out, the staff at the car hire desk could not have been more helpful. How lovely to see you, he said. Then the inevitable hard sell. Would you like to buy the extra insurance that you thought you had already bought when you booked the car online? I could have sworn it had said it was fully inclusive but the sales rep with the golden smile insisted I was wrong. When it had said fully inclusive on the booking form, what it meant was that it was fully inclusive with exemptions. What I needed to know was that there was fully inclusive and fully fully inclusive and that I needed to take out further insurance if I wanted total peace of mind. Which I did, because I have memories in the past of winging it and getting stiffed for some invisible damage when I returned the car.

So I signed up, with my wife shaking her head and muttering that I had undoubtedly just been ripped off. Then the sales rep said that – because I was a valued customer or an easy mark, take your pick – he was also offering me another special deal. I could return the car without a full tank of petrol and be charged only €1.90 a litre for the missing fuel. This sounded like a deal. Unleaded is about €2.00 a litre and I know from past experience it’s a nightmare trying to find a garage near the airport on the way back. So I took that option, too, and was finally on my way.

Buses near the abandoned village of Imber: ‘You wait for 10 minutes and then 30 come along at once.’ Photograph: Finnbarr Webster/Getty Images

Wednesday

Part Two. The car, to no one’s surprise, turned out to be a bit of a dud. The engine monitor light came on halfway through day two and never went off. I tried to ignore it but had this niggling worry throughout the holiday that the car was going to break down at our favourite lake where there is no network coverage to call for assistance. I also couldn’t stop thinking that the whole point of hiring a car was that you weren’t supposed to be worried about maintaining it. On day four the tyre pressure warning light also came on. A trip to the garage revealed the tyres to be at the correct pressure but the light stayed on.

Given all this, I’m not entirely sad to be shot of the car, us and it in one piece, at the airport. Only it turns out there is no one to check it in and complete the paperwork. Don’t worry, says the man at the desk. Just leave the keys with us and we will sort it. An hour later, after I’ve checked in, I get an email from the car hire place. A reconciliation notice. There was €350 of damage to the car. There really wasn’t. It was spotless. Not even a scratch. But because I had full insurance, I won’t be charged. Phew. Only I will be charged €35 for someone having to estimate the damage. On top of this, I will be charged another €100 for petrol, even though the car was two-thirds full and would take €30-worth at most. Moments later, the same car hire company sends me another email asking me to fill out a customer satisfaction survey. Bad timing.

Thursday

We’re deep into the dog days of August when almost nothing is happening in Westminster. Kemi Badenoch and Ed Davey have gone to ground, presumably having family holidays. Only Andy Burnham has limited himself to just a week off and that’s because he’s only been prime minister for a month. So Burnham has been doing daily 90-second pool clips for the broadcasters, but no one is really paying that much attention. Yet there is still entertainment to be had, as Reform has chosen this summer to offer its own clown show. First we have had the Clacton byelection, which turned into a two-horse race between Nige and a man with a bin on his head. Rather sweetly, Richard Tice called Nige’s win “a triumph”. Nige has rather gone to ground. Dicky isn’t normally let out on his own and you can see why, as he has been enthusing about the benefits of climate change that he doesn’t believe is happening. We should all just enjoy the heat he says. Then there’s the infighting. Everyone in Reform seems to hate Zia Yusuf but isn’t allowed to say so because the only person with the authority to criticise a member of the inner circle is Nige and he rather enjoys Zia’s money. So Tim Montgomerie has been suspended for saying what everyone thinks. It’s a genuine Whitehall farce. A treat for those of us who can’t make it to the Edinburgh fringe.

Exam results: ‘Fantastic. We’ve just qualified for £50k of student debt.’ Photograph: Owen Humphreys/PA

Friday

Confession time. When the ultra low emission zone was introduced in London by Sadiq Khan in 2019, I had my doubts. I thought the claims about improving people’s health were probably overstated and its main purpose was as another revenue stream for the London mayor. It just felt like another area of state interference: back in 2011 we had bought a diesel car because in those days we had been told they were more environmentally friendly than petrol vehicles. Now we had to sell it at a rock bottom price, because no one in London wanted to buy a diesel, and fork out for a hybrid. I felt the same way about the 20mph signs that began to take over London. It seemed a deliberate, unnecessary attempt to annoy drivers further and to catch them out with speeding fines. I myself picked up a fine for doing 24mph in a 20 zone, just because I wasn’t paying enough attention. But time is a great healer and for the past few years I’ve rather got used to dawdling everywhere. I make my family mad by how slowly I drive. I’m rapidly turning into my dad. And now Sadiq has been completely vindicated. In what is genuinely a good news story, the first research is in and children’s lung capacity has improved significantly as a result of the imposition of Ulez. So huge respect to Sadiq for having the vision to stand up to the doubters like me. And what a legacy for the mayor. Not all politicians get to leave the country better than they found it.