Jack Dee: ‘After the third time someone’s late, we can’t be friends any more’

2 months ago 13

Born in Bromley in Kent, Dee, 63, was a waiter when he first appeared at the Comedy Store in London in 1986. In 1991, he won the British comedy ward for best stage newcomer and was given his own show on Channel 4. His 2004 Live at the Apollo series was Bafta nominated, and he co-wrote and starred in the sitcoms Lead Balloon and Bad Move. He has chaired Radio 4’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue since 2009, and co-hosts the podcast Oh My Dog! This week he begins a UK tour of his new standup show, Small World. He is married with four children and lives in London.

What is your earliest memory?
Aged about three, sitting on the pavement outside our house in Orpington with my friend Christopher, and making him laugh by eating biscuits really noisily. It’s still in the act.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I can go for weeks without opening the mail. I can look at a letter that has just dropped through the letterbox, wonder what it is and then just shred it.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
After the third time someone’s late, we can’t be friends any more.

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
Probably a train ticket anywhere in the UK.

Describe yourself in three words
Caring, patient, considerate, innumerate.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Manners.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Luckily, I’m the perfect weight for someone a mere seven inches taller than me. Which is hardly anything when you think about it.

What is your most unappealing habit?
I clip my toenails on the edge of the bath, so whenever my wife, Jane, has a bath, she complains about the weird sharp bits in it.

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Which book are you ashamed not to have read?
Audiobooks have allowed me to catch up on the books I always claimed to have read anyway. On long journeys I’ll often be listening to Kafka, Dostoevsky, Solzhenitsyn. It’s a fantastic way to pass time and often means I’ll turn up at the gig really depressed. So it’s a win-win.

What was the last lie that you told?

Lying is to be avoided. It’s really destructive. It’s also very comical because it represents the desire that most of us have to avoid reality.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I drive myself crazy when I say “Yes. No … ” in conversations. It’s meaningless.

What is the worst job you’ve ever done?
When I was a kid I had a Saturday job in the stockroom of a supermarket. I remember everything in there being a little bit grubby and slightly sticky. We’d do things like play rugby with a swiss roll. I think of it every time I go shopping.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
An unhackable, simple-to-remember password that works for everything.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
When something is half price in a supermarket, always find out why.

Tell us a joke
Well, I’ll tell you a story about a joke. One of the first gags I wrote in about 1986 was, “I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.” It didn’t take long before someone sent me a tape of an old-school comedian doing it. I took it as a compliment and learned from him because he had found a better way of doing it.

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