This year, I’m sticking with achievable New Year’s resolutions. Here are a few | Dave Schilling

We are now more than a week into 2026, and it might shock you to know I’m feeling quite cheery. All the professional emails I’ve waited a month to send are out. The grout in my shower is scum-free. The music at the pharmacy is normal again. If you’re like me, and you find the holiday season a grim and lonely time that involves too much booze, too much food, too much Mariah Carey and not enough routine, the start of the new year is more than welcome.

The one thing that dampens my cheer at being dragged back to my desk for the comfort of drudgery – besides the endless and brutal news headlines – is the New Year’s resolution. The tradition of picking a few things to promise yourself to do (or not do) in the spirit of wellness is centuries old, dating back as far as 2000BC. Not sure what the Babylonians were resolving to do. Tidy up the storage closet in the ziggurat? Finally finish that tower they’d been thinking about? Try not to get sold into slavery (again)?

Most modern New Year’s resolutions are a cause for misery – they’re either things you can’t do (losing weight) or things you don’t want to do (calling your mother more often). They put a dark cloud over what should ideally be a time for reveling in the joy of not being dead yet. How about a few New Year’s resolutions that are positive and easily attainable? I can think of some for you so you don’t have to.

1 See more movies in a theater

Look, if you can’t afford this, I understand. Movie theaters are constantly looking to shake coins from your pocket like a demented leprechaun on methamphetamines. The cost of a movie hotdog is challenging the cost of the blood pressure medicine you need after eating a movie hotdog. Yet, there is nothing more life-affirming or meditative than seeing a quality film in the company of other people. As a great woman once said: “We come here for magic.” There’s no shortage of spectacular cinema to enjoy without the impulse to scroll Instagram at the same time. Hamnet, Marty Supreme, No Other Choice, even the latest Avatar sequel. You don’t have to go every week, but at least remember that the cost of your ticket preserves one of the last remaining collective artistic rituals we have left in our techno-dystopia.

2 Start dressing better

For some, this might fall into the categories of “things you can’t do” or “things you don’t want to do”. Not everyone has a sense of style, or even wants one. But I can assure you, speaking as a bit of a clothes horse, the feeling of taking care of your appearance can change how you perceive yourself for the better. I wear a suit most days, but you don’t have to do that. I’m not asking you to transform yourself into David Beckham or something awful like that. Just think about it more. Care about where your clothes come from, and if they’re made sustainably. Consider color, texture and fit. Even just for a moment. Dressing with intention is a hell of a lot easier than dropping 15lb, and can have a similar effect on your self-esteem. Besides, if you actually do lose all that weight, you’ll have to buy new clothes anyway.

3 Start randomly putting your name on things for no reason

It seems to be working nicely for Donald Trump, whose fans smeared his name on the Kennedy Center last year. For decades, he’s been placing his name on buildings, a university, a line of steaks and shoddily made merchandise. You, too, can luxuriate in a tiny drop of narcissism with ease. Get monogrammed pajamas. Put up a sign on your house that says: “[Insert name] Lives Here.” Wear a name tag so strangers can easily identify you. Sign the bill at a restaurant in easily readable block letters. Get a tattoo of your birth certificate on your back. Never forget who you are, even if you want to.

4 Stop worrying about what’s in the McRib

For some unknown reason, Americans can’t stop fixating on what is actually inside the McRib patty at McDonald’s. Perhaps because this sugary delivery system for mystery chemicals disappears for large swaths of the year, a fascination with the sandwich has persisted like an unwelcome party guest. Now, McDonald’s faces a class-action lawsuit alleging that the fast-food company is deceiving its customers by claiming the McRib has actual rib meat in it. If you’re worried about the contents of an unnaturally shaped processed patty smothered in barbecue sauce, I would like to request you remember the good people of Babylon, who couldn’t even dream of an indulgence of the magnitude of a McRib. First of all, I don’t think they even had pickles back then. Second, all of their food had sand in it. Third, the concept of a drive-thru was not invented yet.

My final resolution for you is to forget the things that don’t matter and focus on the things that do. Your loved ones, your health and seeing art. What else is left to do?

• Dave Schilling is a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist