‘We slept with three of the same women’: 12 people on what it’s really like dating a friend’s ex

Life is full of big, messy questions. How should we spend our finite time on Earth? What is the nature of good and evil? And, thorniest of all: is it OK to date a friend’s ex?

This year, reality TV fans debated this question with vim and verbosity when it was revealed that Bravo reality stars Amanda Batula and West Wilson had started kissing (!) and dating (!!) even though West had broken the heart of Amanda’s best friend, Ciara Miller.

But it’s not only TV stars who encounter this. Guardian readers shared their experiences with dating a friend’s ex, or a friend dating their ex.

I asked her to check in on him

I asked my best friend to see my ex-husband and help him get through the aftermath of our separation. She was always very practical. The next morning, she rang me early and asked if I minded if she saw him again. I knew exactly what she meant. Of course I said yes.

The sadness that I felt was not that she was with him, but that I lost her as a friend. In effect, she chose him over me. It was over 40 years ago, and I’ve never forgotten the sense of having been sidelined.
- Anonymous

He said he wouldn’t

My best friend from college began dating my ex-wife. He and I talked about it, and he said he wouldn’t if I didn’t want him to. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he seemed surprised. Later, I learned that he was dating her. I called him up, confirmed the story and ended our friendship. After a year or so, they married and he became stepfather to my two kids.

In retrospect, I see that he was not a good friend, so I did not lose much. My kids have grown into capable adults, and he probably contributed to that.
- Anonymous

I deserved some joy

After my divorce, I had an intense on/off relationship with a younger man. He would initiate the off periods, and during one breakup, I bumped into his friend on a night out and he made a move. I reasoned that my ex didn’t deserve sympathy because he ended things with me, and I deserved some attention and joy. The friend was wary of turning a drunken snog into anything more, but the temptation was too great, and we ended up having a few dates.

Then he told my ex, who suddenly renewed his interest in me. To my great shame, I returned. We had another “on” phase before he finally left me once and for all. I felt regret about the friend, and I think of our fling fondly. But I suspect he regretted risking his friendship for someone so flaky.
- Anna (pseudonym)

I was too busy

My ex-husband and now ex-best friend got together and I lost both of them. They had always been close friends, but I had never imagined them being more than that. I was too busy with two small children and a difficult teenager to put energy into our marriage; we were living apart but still together-ish. She was recently separated and needing help. I couldn’t handle it. I avoided them, and he didn’t contact me directly to see the children for two years.

I wish I had dealt with things in our relationship better, been less exhausted. But I doubt I could have stood between them if they were determined.
- Anonymous

She knew he was starting to like me

In college, my roommate broke up with her boyfriend. He would stop by sometimes, hoping to visit her, and end up talking to me over beers. We became great friends, then lovers. Things were a bit weird at first. She knew he was starting to “like” me beyond friendship, but I was clueless. There was some jealousy on my part due to insecurity.

We have now been an item for 40 years, married for 35. My then roommate has her own husband, and the four of us are friends and cook dinner sometimes.
- Abby, Indiana

He dated all five sisters

We grew up in a small rural community with an even smaller dating pool. My sisters, cousins and friends had a five-year moratorium rule: date any ex, but only after five years had passed since the breakup. There was one charming local fella who dated all five sisters in my family over a 27-year span – albeit briefly in most cases.

The rule was concocted because we saw the pain and loss of friendships that other women and girls experienced when people dated exes when the ex-ing was still fresh.
- Anonymous

No right to say no

Long ago, a friend asked if I minded if he dated my ex. I told him that as we were divorced, I had no right to say anything.
- Mark, Maryland

My friend set us up

A friend brought me together with his ex as he thought we would be a good fit. Their relationship had ended, but they remained friends. I dated the ex for about a year, but distance was an issue in the end.

It affected them, but only in positive ways. The relationship did not start immediately after my friend’s relationship ended, so it was not uncomfortable socially.
- Rick, 60s, Toronto

It hurt so much

One of my closest friends FaceTimed me and told me she and my recently ex-husband (who left me for a younger woman) had fallen for each other. They hooked up at some event and decided to become a couple.

She and I met when she dated and lived with my brother for more than 10 years; she was a part of our family. It hurt so much. I lost her, another close friend, and our social group. Two years later, my ex-husband left her for a younger woman. So it goes.
- Karena, Idaho

I wish we were still friends

One of my friends from high school and I dated the same woman. I dated her for three months in high school, and she was my date to senior prom. When I left my home town and went off to college, they both stayed and dated for four to five years. Then, they broke up and I hooked up with her again for a few months.

When the friend found out I was hooking up with her, he got really mad and shunned our friendship. He and I have not talked in years. I wish we were still friends. I wish he didn’t care that I hooked up with her.
- Bill, Texas

I’m proud of our ability to have hard conversations

I’m a lesbian, so once you filter for age, interests, sexual chemistry and so on, the dating pool can be small. In our 20s, when we were all sleeping around, sleeping with each other’s exes was not uncommon. A good friend and I slept with three of the same women. We had to set up some ground rules, one of which was: no lying.

There were some hurt feelings sometimes, and sometimes sincere apologies had to be made. I’m proud of our ability to talk about our feelings, have hard conversations and make amends if necessary.
- Nairne, 59, Ontario

She called me ‘the red slag’

When I was about 25, I split up with a partner I had lived with for about two years. I owned my house, but found it hard to pay the mortgage without my partner, and rented out the spare room to a good pal and her boyfriend. Once he moved in, it was clear their relationship was in trouble. I spent hours consoling her, and as I got to know him, I understood his point of view too. It was no surprise when they split.

I continued to support my friend, but was growing closer to her ex. Then, he invited me to share a holiday with him to the Greek islands. A couple he was going with had dropped out, and there was a spare room. I never did use the spare room.

I was instantly rejected by my friend, who called me “the red slag” and spread the news that I had schemed to steal her boyfriend. To this day, she turns her back on me if she sees me. Though it was sad, I am still with that man. We’ve been married for 43 years, and have two children and four grandchildren. I know I should have taken a more noble path, but I’d rather be the red slag!
- Anonymous