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3 hours ago
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Gina Ford ruined my life. OK, technically not all of it, just a small but significant chapter: very early motherhood. The parenting guru’s bestselling tome convinced me I was the worst mum in the world, and that my baby was faulty. He didn’t do what her book said he was meant to, you see, even when I followed her strict rules to the absolute apostrophe, never mind letter. It was almost as though he hadn’t read it, or was an individual human being or something.
I was out of my mind with sleep deprivation, and perhaps not seeing the full picture, but I felt like a hopeless failure. I once woke my husband up at 3.47am to read a passage from Ford’s The Contented Little Baby to him, while pointing accusingly at our extremely uncontented one, who was screaming louder than I was.
All of this is to say – to admit – that I am not exactly an unbiased source when it comes to Ford, who this week reappeared to make people with kids feel terrible about a whole new thing. Apparently if you prioritise your offspring over your partner, you’re putting even the strongest relationship at risk.
“I think that so many parents, because they’re trying so hard to bend over backwards to make everything perfect for their children, they forget about themselves,” Ford told the Times. “Everything revolves around the children. And then the stress gets so much, and all you’ve got is a child from a broken home.”
Nowadays, you can get her app (£29.99), which sends new parents push notification reminders that they’re doing a bad job at regular intervals throughout the day,. Perhaps she could also roll out 24-hour drive-thru divorce courts. Because if she’s right about this, every couple who has ever procreated are going to split up.
I put far more effort into pleasing my son than my husband; my husband does the same, and I would consider it a red flag and total ick if he didn’t. Forget bending over backwards – I’ve turned myself inside out, back to front and upside down to try to make everything perfect for our boy. I’ve gone to ridiculous, embarrassing lengths I’d be ashamed to confess, if it wasn’t for the saving grace that most other mums and dads have too. Pre-kids, you roll your eyes at this kind of behaviour, swear it could never be you, then produce a uniquely funny, advanced, magical wonder angel and become a soppy, sappy loon. I don’t know a single parent (no pun intended) who doesn’t put their children not just first but way ahead of their spouse – not because they think they have to, but because they want to.
I’m not going to spout any of that nonsense about only knowing what love is once you have a kid; I’ve felt strongly about my family, friends and cats, and am fairly keen on my husband. But the strength of emotion I experienced the moment my son was born did surprise me. Nauseating as it may sound, I care about his happiness far more than my own, and would unquestioningly take a bullet, illness or bad hair day to spare him.
Years ago, one of my friends was asked who he would choose to save from a burning building – his wife or child. He quickly said his wife, with the rationale that they could always have another kid, but he could never find another her. I remember his pleased little face, looking over at his missus for the approval definitely headed his way, so sure he’d given the right answer. Reader: he had not given the right answer.
The truth, of course, is that there are no right answers here, no one-size-fits-all method or solution; it’s different for everybody. Some couples might eventually break up because they prioritise their kids, while that will be the reason others fall more deeply in love.
At some point, a baby sleeps, and you credit whatever you happened to be trying at the time with being the miracle cure. And, while we’re on the subject, please do make sure you snap up a copy of my new parenting manual, Lying on the Floor Sobbing While Cursing Gina Ford’s Name.
Polly Hudson is a freelance writer
