You be the judge: should my sister buy new crockery and cutlery?

5 hours ago 9

The prosecution: Fiona

I can’t cook with blunt knives and present food well on chipped plates. I want us to live like adults

When I moved in with my older sister, Mara, earlier this year, I knew it wouldn’t be my place. She is an artist and her aesthetic is lived-in chaos. There’s a lot of clutter, but it’s the crockery and cutlery that annoys me. The plates don’t match, the mugs are from 10 different holidays, and the cutlery is a mix of gold, silver and plastic. It’s giving student house, and we are 29 and 33 respectively.

Mara owns the flat, which has a lot of character, and I needed a new place after changing cities, so it worked out well. As kids, we were very close and quite similar, but we’ve changed a bit.

I’m more “uptight”, as she says, and Mara is very relaxed. But I didn’t think she’d be so resistant to my input in the flat. Neither did I imagine I’d be eating pasta with friends using three different types of fork, one of which looks as if it’s survived a war. I’m not saying everything has to be minimalist, but matching crockery does make a space feel more grownup. Mara says I’m trying to be posh, but it’s just about cohesion. Sometimes, I think the ramshackle artist thing is an attempt to look less well off because it’s trendy.

I want my boyfriend to feel we’ve got our lives together when he comes for dinner. I live here too, and the kitchen is more my domain as I cook more, but I find it hard with all the blunt knives Mara refuses to throw away, and I can’t present things well on chipped plates. I want clean, new kitchenware. There’s a joy in serving dinner on plates that aren’t chipped and mismatched. It feels more like an occasion.

The way we eat shapes how we live, and I feel like I’m downgrading my life when I cook in Mara’s flat with all this random stuff. Replacing it would help me feel more at home. I’ve left links open on her laptop to cutlery sets on Amazon, but she keeps saying we don’t need one, even though I’d buy it.

Mara says I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and that matching cutlery is soulless. But I just want to eat from things that look as if they belong to adults. What’s wrong with that?

The defence: Mara

Every piece in my kitchen has a history. Matching sets are sterile, and my style is more sustainable

When Fiona moved in I was thrilled because I’d missed her. We last lived together in our family home. But then she started making comments about not just my crockery, but my flat in general. Suddenly, my perfectly good, slightly eclectic tableware was “chaotic” and “studenty”, and my whole flat needed an upgrade.

Apparently, the solution is buying everything new, in matching sets. That feels like something you’d find in an Airbnb. My flat is my home, and just because Fiona is here doesn’t mean I have to switch it all up.

Every piece in my kitchen has a history. The chipped bowls are from various flatshares and trips over the years. I’ve got pieces gifted by friends who moved abroad. And people who have lived here have left bits and bobs.

Matching cutlery feels sterile and devoid of personality to me. Yes, that’s probably because I’m an artist and I like a bit of colour. But life isn’t coordinated so why should the forks be? Plus it matches the vibe with my art and sculptures around the place. I like the fact that no two knives are alike. It’s not messy, it’s my style.

Fiona wants to impress her boyfriend, but I don’t think he’d care. If she cooks, he’s not going to notice what knife she used. I also find the idea of throwing everything out wasteful. We talk about sustainability, and about reusing and repairing, but suddenly the aesthetic matters more than the planet.

My sister says it’s her house too and I agree, but I did buy the flat, so it is actually mine. There’s a difference between putting your stamp on a place and rebranding it entirely. Mismatched cutlery isn’t chic to Fiona, but it reflects how I live: relaxed, practical, occasionally sentimental.

Fiona keeps sending me links to new cutlery and bowl sets, but I’m not keen. The thought of binning my favourite mugs because they ruin her minimalist vision isn’t filling me with joy. The cutlery drawer stays as it is – it’s a small, joyful rebellion against the tyranny of matching sets.

The jury of Guardian readers …

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As Fiona does more of the cooking, and has offered to pay for the cutlery herself, it’s probably worth getting a few new knives and forks for her to use. When she finds a new living situation, she can bring them with her. Is that win-win?
Rebecca, 31

Fiona should move out if she’s trying so hard to control the aesthetic of her sister’s flat. The cutlery drawer is just the tip of the iceberg – Fiona will want to re-cover the sofa next. I have sympathy with Fiona because I like things to be clean and neat too, but the only way to ensure things are as you would like them to be is to get your own place.
Kitty, 33

It’s Mara’s house, so she shouldn’t have to change if she doesn’t want to. If Fiona feels that strongly about it, she can just buy herself matching sets to use when her boyfriend is over – problem solved.
Deb, 48

I sympathise with Mara, but keeping old, damaged crockery is a bit like hoarding, and personally I wouldn’t want guests drinking out of cracked cups and eating off chipped plates.
Matthew, 39

Fiona, why don’t you just buy a nice set of knives, forks, etc, add them to the drawer, and ask Mara not to use them. Ditto the crockery. That way you’ve always got good matching stuff to use and who knows, maybe Mara will be won over. For now, though – mismatched may be OK, Mara, but plastic cutlery is just depressing. It needs to go.
Robin, 35