Football Daily | Late drama at Wolves as the Gomes/Gomez Congestion Index causes chaos

6 hours ago 3

BOTTOM’S UP

In recent weeks, the Premier League has descended into a full-blown existential crisis. VAR is increasingly bobbins, various teams are ruining everybody’s fun by Arsenaling about at set pieces and Arne Slot has made the grim admission that he finds “no joy” in the current lack of swashbuckling action. Naturally, the usual suspects are clutching their pearls, wailing that everything was better back when pitches were bogs and tackles were felonies. Desperate for a Tuesday night shot in the arm, The Best League In The World™ offered viewers a choice of four matches so turgid they bordered on the offensive. One was a goalless void; another’s solitary highlight involved a Leeds substitute pilfering a strategically placed towel; a third saw an Everton win so routine it made a documentary on the history of beige paint look like Mad Max: Fury Road. Ultimately, the only drama to be found was at Molineux – and even there both sets of players decided to wait 70 minutes before bothering to engage in some actual football.

In the first outing since their head coach pointedly admitted his “football heart” is not gladdened by the Premier League, Slot’s players proceeded to riff, be-bop and scat all over the Dutchman’s pain by losing to Wolves. The bottom side in the division but by no means the worst on current form (hello Spurs!), Wolves ran out more than worthy winners by converting two of their three shots on target, the second of which became the fifth winner Liverpool have conceded in the 90th minute or later this season in the league. “Same old story,” sighed Slot following a performance that will not have pleased his famously hard-to-please father. “We struggle and find it very hard to score from open play.”

Arguably the most compelling aspect of the evening was the Gomes/Gomez Congestion Index. No fewer than five – Angel, João, Rodrigo, Toti and Joe – were picked across both squads. During our usual painstaking post-match analysis, Football Daily discovered that maximum Gomes saturation occurred between the 72nd and 94th minute, a Peak Gomes period in which the match was electro-shocked into something resembling an entertaining spectacle. Mathematically speaking, any player who kicked a ball blindly had an 18% chance of hitting somebody who answered to the name “Gomes” (or some variation thereof) and this is exactly what happened when André’s late, late pot-shot took a wicked, match-winning deflection off Joe Gomez to leave Wolves fans in dreamland. With eight matches of their league campaign to go, Rob Edwards’ side are hanging by a thread but with a looming schedule jam-packed with “six-pointers”, Football Daily is channeling its inner Dumb and Dumber and telling them there’s a chance.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

You can only go to the coffee shop so many times, you can only feed the chickens and the ducks so many times, and, you know, it gives you that edge. I had the heart pumping, nervous before the game, things like that, and you forget really. I even feel quite stiff if I’m honest, and I’m not really doing much running, but it’s the adrenaline. It was nice to get a result with the fans as well, because they’ve been superb” – Neil Warnock, back in the dugout at 77 as Torquay caretaker, reflects on their 2-2 Conference South draw with Farnborough.

Neil Warnock dishes out the instructions at Plainmoor.

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