Badenoch enjoys her first, and probably last, Tory conference leader’s speech

This is the end, beautiful friend, the end. And not a moment too soon. The coup de grace, the leader’s speech from Kemi Badenoch. Her first and almost certainly her last. Half her membership want her gone now. The other half are happy to give her until next year.

But just for this hour, all hostilities were to be forgiven. No matter that this conference had been dead on arrival. A celebration of annihilation. This was to be a remembrance of times past. A collective narcosis. The Tories’ very own Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.

A parallel universe where Kemi held the country in her hands. Where there was standing room only. Where everyone knew that nothing Kemi had to say was of any meaning. Because none of this was going to happen. And yet they cheered and clapped and gave her standing ovation after standing ovation. Come the end there were chants of “Kemi, Kemi” from the very people who want her gone. The very essence of Tory Little Britian.

Kemi had prepared the ground in advance. The organisers were already packing up the hall long before the first delegates had entered the compound. And the main stage activity had been kept deliberately low key. Keeping everyone’s expectations subterranean. A panel in which a mayoral candidate declared that she had got her party back. Really? Was existential futility what she wanted? A group therapy session in which Alex Burghart – supposedly one of the brains of the Tory party – spoke of his love for flags in the marching season in Northern Ireland. Clearly a man who misses the Troubles.

So the audience was more than ready to be entertained by the time Kemi took centre stage. And to be fair, Kemi didn’t let them down. Her speech was adequate. Which, by the standards of the past few days, could be considered a triumph. Better than anyone could have hoped for.

She sounded confident. Though it was hard to know whether this was because she has reconciled herself to the inevitable or if she is so divorced from reality that she took the warmth of her reception at face value. Probably the latter. It wasn’t just Kemi who needed her speech to be a success. The audience did, too. To convince themselves the whole thing hadn’t been a waste of time. Which of course it had. An exercise in sub-par performance politics.

There were jokes – some almost passable – and there were big ticket announcements. And in between, some mindless filler. I’ve yet to hear a leader’s speech that couldn’t have been improved with a hefty cut. But we were there because we were there. This was a ritual to be endured. Mostly it just passed the time. And for the Tories it all made perfect sense. Just so long as you could suspend disbelief and try to ignore the fact it was all nonsense.

“We are the party who can deliver a stronger economy and secure our borders,” Kemi began.

Here I had to check that I was still alive. This was the party that had trashed the economy in 14 years. That had achieved zero growth and maximum austerity. This was the party that had opened the UK border to mass migration. And yet we were being asked to forget this. No apologies from Kemi. She never says sorry. It’s a sign of the abject desperation – and outright cheek – of the Tories that Kemi thinks the economy was her best selling point. She’s got nothing left in her locker.

Nonsense followed nonsense. The Tories had had to rescue the country from fascism in 1940. Yup and we’ve got Robert Jenrick trying to take the country back in that direction. Yet there was no rebuke for Tories playing the race card. Precious few mentions of Reform, even though the party is haemorrhaging support to Nigel Farage. Almost all Kemi’s barbs were aimed at Labour. Go figure. The Tories are fighting Labour, while Labour is fighting Reform. You couldn’t help feeling that Kemi is just too timid to speak some home truths.

“Young people used to be enthusiastic and hopeful,” Kemi said. Er, yes. Can’t think what government might have made them less so. The collective delusion was total. She even moaned about Poland being successful. Could be something to do with being a member of the EU. Just saying.

Then came a recap of some of the madder policies that had been announced during the week. After Kemi had said she wouldn’t bother with any till 2027. Guess she might as well bring them out now. She doesn’t have a later. I am an engineer, she declared. She could fix computers. By switching them off and on. Or kicking them. Next up, a promise to cut university places by 100,000. Though not for any young people in the hall. This was for the little people. A plan so half-witted it hadn’t made it into last year’s Tory manifesto, despite having been dreamed up as party policy two months previously.

Finally, we got to the economy. There would be an exciting new golden rule that would enable everyone to sleep well at night. A golden rule that she promptly broke within a couple of minutes by promising to abolish stamp duty. Cue a spontaneous orgasm within the hall. The Tories like nothing more than an unfunded tax cut. It’s what keeps them going. Even if it’s a tax cut that’s never going to happen because the Conservatives are now little more than a death cult. Stand by for whoever is Tory leader this time next year to get rid of income tax. And whoever is leader the year after to do away with VAT. It’s all meaningless.

“STAND TOGETHER TO BUILD A BETTER BRITAIN,” Kemi shouted. Believe that and you will believe anything. But this would have to do for now. She had survived the conference. Honest Bob wasn’t the leader yet. This was still her moment in the sun and she was determined to enjoy it. A Potemkin speech at a Potemkin conference. The applause would have to sustain her a lifetime. Sound and fury. Signifying nothing.