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6 hours ago
8
Like Tesla cars and the ending of the Sopranos, Charlie Bigham ready meals seem to be rather divisive. On the one hand, people clearly love them: about 31m dishes were sold in the past year alone. On the other hand, they generate a heap of mockery. The critique seems to be that only a gullible idiot would shell out up to a tenner on an oven-ready fish pie, chilli con carne or – as one commentator once memorably labelled it – a tray of “Tory slop”.
Those critics will be sharpening their kitchen knives because Bigham, who is a kind of Tim “Wetherspoons” Martin for centrist dads, has just announced the launch of his Brasserie range: deluxe versions of his meals with prices that fetch up to … wait for it … £30! Thirty whole English pounds!
With a menu consisting of venison bourguignon, coq au vin, confit duck (all at £16.95) and two wellingtons (salmon for £19.95 and beef at £29.95), these creations are clearly not trying to compete with your common-or-garden Tesco lasagne. Bigham is obviously aware that these days you have to remortgage your grandma in order to afford a meal out, so he’s attempting to take on the restaurant experience itself. Why go out to mingle with strangers in the fresh evening air, he’s saying, when you can sit in your kitchen surrounded by children’s felt-tips and a half-eaten box of Shreddies instead? To add to the dining-out vibe, Bigham recommends a specific Waitrose wine for each meal, which we duly buy.
Look, if anyone is going to fall for this wheeze, it’s me, because my culinary confession is that I do quite like a bit of Tory slop from time to time. Eating out is difficult with two young children, and so we invite Charlie into our house, figuratively speaking, to serve us a lasagne or a chicken tikka masala (both tiny, both tasty). It’s as good as a takeaway, much cheaper and seems vaguely healthier.
Still, that’s the standard range. Can any prepared meal really be worth these latest prices? Time to get my foodiest friends over – including a former chef, no less! – to test them out …
Coq au vin
Bigham dislikes the term “ready meals”. It implies something loaded with chemicals that you can whiz up in the microwave in minutes, whereas his creations require baking and even involve a touch of proper cooking – the new wellingtons can be enhanced by brushing the pastry with a beaten egg, and it’s advised that the coq in this coq au vin is taken out of its sauce and placed on a separate tray to crisp up. It works – sort of – and the chicken is delightfully juicy. Guests are impressed by the potato and celeriac dauphinoise, but when it comes to the sauce of chestnut mushrooms, chantenay carrots and bacon, the sumptuous depth of flavour that comes from simmering chicken bones in a load of wine for ages is definitely lacking.
Wine pairing Dominique Piron Beaujolais Villages, £14.40
Rating 6/10
Confit duck
“Oh my God, this is delicious,” declare at least three of my guests. Sadly, they’re talking about the chianti we’re having with the duck rather than the duck itself, which emerges from the oven looking perfectly appetising but is disappointingly dry beneath the garlic-parmesan crumb. It comes with a smudge of lentil sauce and some sliced potatoes with nutty browned butter, both of which impress my guests more than the meat itself.
Wine pairing Villa Cafaggio Chianti Classico, £16, on offer for £11 until 28 October
Rating 4/10
Salmon wellington
I was hugely sceptical about this. Yes, “sashimi-grade salmon” sounded promising – but could it survive being baked at 200C for 50 whole minutes? Surprisingly, it could! This was the night’s showstopper. It came out extremely well browned but the pastry was crisp, the salmon succulent and the whole thing was complemented by a gorgeous mushroom duxelles with gentle notes of fennel. Ex-chef Lliam, the kind of man who would normally sooner burn his kitchen down than demean himself with a ready meal, had to concede that this was good stuff. Without wanting to get sued for giving anyone salmonella, we agreed it would probably be even better if you knocked five or 10 minutes from the cooking time.
Wine pairing Chapel Down English Rosé, £16, on offer for £14 until 28 October
Rating 9/10
Venison bourguignon
Preconceptions be damned! Just as the salmon surprised me, so did this – and not in a good way. I thought a casserole would translate most easily to the ready meal experience, but something has gone seriously wrong here. The meat may well be “wild-caught from the Scottish Highlands”, but it’s also terribly dry and the sauce is too scant. The whole thing lacks the indulgent comfort of a classic bourguignon. Perhaps I miss the experience of cooking one, too, which can be a pleasure in itself – from sauteeing the tiny onions in heart-attack quantities of butter to decadently tipping a half-decent bottle of burgundy into the pan. It’s time-consuming but not particularly tricky – and you end up with something infinitely more appetising than this. Things are rescued slightly by the mash, which is buttery with a crisp exterior, and the crunchy Pinot pairing, which goes down rather too quickly.
Wine pairing Cave de Lugny Bourgogne Pinot Noir, £17.50, on offer for £14.50 until 28 October
Rating 2/10
Beef wellington
This is the meal that has been generating all the “£30 for a bloody ready meal!” headlines. The thing is, a proper wellington isn’t really a ready meal by any standard definition. It’s essentially a piece of fillet steak with some pastry and mushrooms thrown in. It should cost a lot. Or, to put it another way, the last thing you want to be eating is a beef wellington that costs a tenner.
It takes 50 minutes to prepare this meal well done, but as we are not complete philistines we stick it in the oven for 30 minutes to get it “medium rare”. It emerges nicely crisped and gloriously pink inside. Despite needing a good crack of salt – and the distraction of various children wandering in asking if they can please go to bed now as it’s a school night – it’s generally agreed that this isn’t bad at all: tender, succulent, blah blah …
OK, look, by this point critical faculties are a little impaired. All five bottles of wine have been consumed, the planned pairing system has gone out of the window and the conversation is giddily veering from botulism in South Africa (always a great accompaniment to a beef course) to the most impressive cast members of the West End musical Operation Mincemeat. Everyone does, at least, seem drunk and happy. Maybe I have replicated the dining out experience, after all.
Wine pairing The Hedonist Shiraz, £15.50, on offer for £11.50 until 28 October
Rating 7/10
