Charlie Higson: ‘By my mid-20s, I had a beer gut. It’s now the most substantial part of me’

Born in Somerset, Charlie Higson, 67, co-created, co-wrote and acted in The Fast Show, alongside Paul Whitehouse. The pair mark the 30th anniversary of the programme with their An Evening With the Fast Show live tour, which runs from this November to January. Higson’s novels for children include the Young Bond and The Enemy series. In 2023 he launched a history podcast, Willy Willy Harry Stee, and his book of the famous rhyme has just been published. He is married with three children and lives in London.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I can be horribly smug and conceited, and yet always in the back of my mind is the thought that things could go terribly wrong at any moment.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Aggression. Anger. Rudeness. Intolerance. Lack of understanding. Pretty much your average day on X.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
I’ve shat myself in public three times. It’s never quite as bad as you fear.

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
Three mature palm trees. We restored a property in Italy that had been derelict and I needed to make it look established as quickly as I could.

What is your most treasured possession?
Aside from the palm trees? My wife is a wonderful graphic designer and letterpress printer. For my 50th, she made me a little cabinet with 50 books in it, about different aspects of my life.

Describe yourself in three words
Middle-class wanker.

What makes you unhappy?
I’m not too happy about the rise of open bigotry and prejudice. We went through this before, in the 70s, so hopefully we can get through it again.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
In my early 20s, I was gorgeous. By my mid-20s, I had a beer gut. It’s now the most substantial part of me.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
I once auditioned to play the part of Hugh Bonneville’s doppelganger. I didn’t get the part, but somebody obviously thought we looked similar.

What is your most unappealing habit?
I pick my nose when nobody’s looking.

Who is your celebrity crush?
Some say heterosexual men don’t find Nicole Kidman sexy. They’re wrong.

Which book are you ashamed not to have read?
I used to give a fantastic talk about Frankenstein and Dracula, but I’ve never been able to finish either book.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
A Nutella sandwich with white bread.

To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
All the kids I didn’t reply to who’ve written lovely letters about my books.

What does love feel like?
Being wanted.

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
No. I’m quite taciturn.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I’m writing a book at the moment and I seem to use “but” a lot. It helps with the rhythm, but I’m spending a lot of time going through and removing it. There! I’ve done it again.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
I’m a classic remoaner.

How often do you have sex?
I can’t tell you that, my wife might read this (a joke, darling).

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A secretary.